vendredi, décembre 16, 2005

Everybody's Changing

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

My life is an adventure.

Yesterday, i didn't come to class...not because i was lazy (pero ok lang din hehe :) ) but because i was rushed to the ER around 3am. rewind rewind.

uno scenario
12:30 am : was tryin to read katzung (serious!) coz i gave up deciphering the long run-on sentences of the anesthesia h.out... ebs brought me some raspberry capuccino (raspberry's my fave) and while on the way to my room, (4th floor) i was gulping down the coffee already :) yumyum it was like eating strawberry and muchin on dark chocolate at the same time.... so when i reached my room....tada! mauubos na pala. hahaha. pero wait...... parang i couldn't breathe... patay.

i lied down. texted u-know-who and he-who-must-not-be-named.... i was seeking for comfort.... shet. i was tachypneic...was tryin to breath so i calmed myself down by closing my eyes.

1:30 am it seemed like i was running out of breath. i asked my roomy to get my bp (she woke up already) it was 160 over 100....tsktsktsk tensionado. exagg. it was my highest bp ever. it was my 5th hypertensive episode...and the worst one.

2am was prompting myself to sitting position..... i couldnt possibly sleep. i was in respiratory distress... i was calling u-know-who 21 times already but he can't be reached. i called up jj, he asked me to call glen. glen picked me up, we were supposed to go to the er straight but somethin inside me told me that i should go to the fh....we went there....wen i got to his room...he wasn't there.

talk about tension rising....grabe.

i called up claire....asked her if she was still with him...wala daw...
miraculously, ebs' line suddenly ringed...whatta coincidence diba.

ho hum! he heard wat he deserved. i demanded for him to go sa fh and im giving him 15 mins to explain....if he doesnt show up in 15 mins, its over...and i meant that.

so here he comes with his -sha-pa-ang-may-gana-magalit look. tsktsk my bp was 160 over 120 and my rr was worsening....i was cryin. i dont know what i was supposed to feel.

i felt betrayed. i felt alone. but i had no choice but to rely on him. and so i did.

that faithful 3am, he brought me to the er...i was gven felodipine...and 4hours later, my bp gradually dropped to 130 over 100...i was advised to go see a cardiologist...

so here i am...waiting at the lru...i have to see yami's mom.

i'm hoping that i'm not too sick.

tensionado lang.

mercredi, décembre 14, 2005

What i want for christmas is ........

hehehe. nothing. not that i couldn't think of anything but i just wanna stay at home and have a nice dinner with my family :) i hope my mom gets here really soon. i miss her :(

funny. i didn't do anything last night. as in NADA. i didn't read any book or i didn't even go out. nothing's wrong with me :) i just got too touched yesterday. yesterday was one of the most magical days of my life. its like living inside the pages of "the alchemist"........coelho... the universe conspires with you....pero for me, if u want the universe to conspire, you should also learn to conspire with the universe. you don't wait til forever for things to happen. you make the 1st move.

you never really realize how fortunate you are until you see someone who's soooo much less fortunate. its a common mind-set na that people go blind with whatever they see...people are so numb with the miracles of daily living. they just live like machines and go off like one also. sad.....depressing.

everyday is indeed a miracle...only if we concentrate on certain things that we're supposed to really appreciate. sometimes you have to stop and smell the flowers.... BLOOM WHERE YOU WERE PLANTED.

when i was in grade school,i was taught to be kind and courteous especially to the elderly... it took me oh so long to realize how important that was... yesterday i saw this super old lady (80ish) and she was selling fans. actually this is the 2nd time i saw her. but i was moved even more now. she was in front of burger king carrying all the abanicos that she's selling. she has sever scoliosis probably due to an underlying bone dse maybe osteoporosis.....surrounding her were college students of the royal and pontifical and only catholic university in asia, UST. no one dared to help her and they were just too god damned engaged in their useless talks to even notice gosh..what's happening to the world?! HELLO EARTH! just seeing her and being able to converse with her was a miracle for me.

iba na talaga ang mundo ngayon. i expect so much more from educated people. do u really need to be educated to help someone like that? i dont think so. its human nature. its an instinct. its like getting hungry, and eating something afterwards.

whatever happened to what they learned in school? grabe. this world is turning into something else. evolution na ba to? if it is evolution of principles and dogmas, fuck. i wish id die sooner.

the universe conspires....oh so true.
but it wont recognize that ur human unless u act like one.

What's the difference of a person and a dog seeing a sickly old woman (trying to earn a decent living)?
the dog can ignore or stay beside her or do nothing at all.
the person SHOULD be human enough to help out the old lady or do something about it.

but what i saw yesterday was a place full of dogs...
all of them looked the same.

mardi, décembre 13, 2005


i love bathrooms (especially if they're really nice)
but i hate ust washrooms. ewwwwwww!
i think if im gonna have a place of my own...i mean own house talaga (no roooooomies)
this would be the nicest room!

its a haven of release ;p

here's one nice design that i really like for my own place :) take a peek!

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nice huh?! there's a combination of nostalgia and modern look :) cute noh... anyways, is sooooooooo dreamy today even if i had a bad start. hehehe :)

anyways, what do u think?!

lundi, décembre 12, 2005

I had a great weekend!!!! super happy weekend :)
shopping shopping! i really love shopping! who doesn't? ;p

anyways, i'm kinda in a hurry right now.
i have a quizzy in prev med pero havent read about it yet
wahooooooo! crammin' time again.

i have a blog topic na in mind pero later na...

i got senti last nite...
i didnt know why but after havin a date with robbins
and after a few mugs of coffee thereafter
and a few smokin pipes.......

life is such a metaphor.

only a few people figure it out.

:p time to do some readin'

vendredi, décembre 09, 2005


its friday today. realized lang during pedia time.
have nothing to do. i'm in a bad mood again.
pharma is okay.


i don't have sundo :(

what a cranky way to end the week :(

I think i had an overdose of drugs yday :)
WHOOPS. before u think otherwise, it was all about tryin to remember their names.
i have 2 favorite group of antibiotics! ---> FLUOROQUINOLONES and SULFONAMIDES ;P
(whatta nerdy thing to be happy about!) hahahaha. anyway, the flying gagamba was back again last night :( so scary!!!! and irritating at that. and i realized somebody else is really really more irritating.

what can i say? lack of manners. in tagalog. KUPAL.

hahahha i was fashionably late again for class today. 47 minutes. woohoo! its a good thing we didn't do much but just to listen to mario's report (which was actually very well said *clap*clap*) nainspire ata akong magdrug monitoring! wahahahah ;p

anyways, i woke up this morning kinda on the wrong side of the bed. coz somebody is really really really getting on my nerves as usual. hay.

id rather live with an incy wincy next year talaga! one last major move nalang im gonna get rid of that worse-than-incy creature.

my coffee was great this morning...bute nalang that compensated for that irritating muchaha. carrot raisin loaf was good too that's why im in a good mood. :)

i realized somethin last nyt (again)

i shouldn't be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo affected na with oher people. (actually i really am affected only with people that i care so much about!)

speaking great great great cutie and lovable and kissable and huggable brother texted meeeeh :) what could ruin my day? NOTHING. a text from him is like walking on the moon. nakanampuch. he's so cute and pikon. i love him.

he texted me, "love is all about timing. It is of no use meeting the person, too soon or too late..." - Chow-Mo-Wan.

fudge...what an inspiring thingie from my cute and lovely and kissable and huggable baby brother! (i hope he's not in love yet though!!!! :( )

well well. time to cram for my pharma druggie exam ;p

mercredi, décembre 07, 2005

Roses are red, violets are blue
sugar is sweet

;p hope u liked it.
soooooooooobra scariest night of my life last night.....
i've never been happier din about my katzung ;p

i'm soooooooooo tryd. i'll cram for OB muna.


hope some people wouldn't make out so much out of nothing.

lundi, décembre 05, 2005

...i guess
love is
constant cycle of
letting go, and acceptance....


:) parang marloboro lights ;p
nyahahaha ;p anyways, i went to tagaytay last sat with bf ;p

i realized something....

People change every so often, and when you love someone, you just have to learn how to accept him through time. You learn to love when you choose to gather enough courage to let go of what that person used to be, and have faith with what the changes may bring.. Its a cycle of letting go, and acceptance.

Eventually, you learn to give up your dreams and aspirations of a perfect person. You learn to overlook that harsh reality of life that was once concealed by what we used to know. If you only want to indulge in happiness and eternal bliss, then i think you're supposed to forget that you'll ever find love..The truth is, its just within you......and you just have to be strong enough to give it away.

Love does not only encompass what can be understood by many. Its peculiarity lies in the idea that everyone tries to prepare for it, when in fact, you can never prepare for whatever it may bring you.

So, did i ever love my ex's?

I guess i did. but i choose to love myself a little bit more.

vendredi, décembre 02, 2005


Kaboom! wassup wassup?
can't think of anything to say ehehehehe
just finished this hellish day in school...pharma quiz, pedia examzzzzzzzzzzz
tsktsktsk ;p just got lucky! yahoo. nyaps ang labo.

last nite in between reading my forlorn photocopies of handouts, (that seemed like it was from the 1958) hehehe, i was contemplatin again. oh my gosh! so many people missed me last nite...c faye, emman and someone...

but the one that really mattered to me...
forgot to even text me good night
that he went to a coffeeshop (i dont even know where)
that he's home na...

dang. why do i have to put up with such a forgetful boyfriend? someone who can't forget the childish stories of japanese anime, yet he forgets my birthday, our monthsary....and worse, even me.

fishies are swimming
roses are red
but not quite

its kinda makin sense to me last night that maybe he's not really mature enough for me....i was sooooooooooooo sooooooooooo badtrip again. talk about a hellish night of bein tired from sch, and havin a bf to deal with! EFFORT!!!!!

and then i remembered, once i told someone, "life is a matter of letting things go..." i guess i wasnt quite true to my word. its so easy said than done. so i succumbed to rest...and coz i knew it was only in my dreams that i could ever let go of such pain (WAHOOOOOOOOO!so drama huh?)

i woke up almost 3 hours's calling to ask me something.

the nightmare its over.
i had to wake myself up to start anew.

and so i burned some sticks
drank coffee
read my handouts again
and burned some more...

until somebody made me smile ;p


;p he made me knda forget about things that bothered me.

ERGO: you can't quit me so quickly....there's no hope in you for me...


jeudi, décembre 01, 2005


Everything in life coincides with relativity...

last night, i had a date with nelson. Yooooooooohoooooooooo and as life's origins amazed me, i suddenly remembered einstein's theory of relativity. Its most likely that the fetal reflexes resulted from its relation to any maternal influence such as movement, emotion, social etc etc.... it's just amazing that even the unborn has experienced life, only in another world... "a mother's womb"

So what's the big deal with bein born?

Bein born to this life does not exclude us from reacting to the world in relation to its obscurities. so in a sense, we might have felt "unborn" but of course firguratively. The difference lies in the fact that we can choose whether to habituate or react as if each stimuli, is our first encounter.

in love:
i was just thinking that before after bein sooooooooo hurt with my ex, i said that "ill never do those things for anybody anymore". so i had the option to adapt or to start all over again.

in school:
People always habituate with failures. Some get really depressed after a 5pointquiz in micro, but some even fail an entire semester of subjects, yet evoking minimal responses.


the point that i'm trying to drive at is that Einstein's famous theory doesn't only apply to physics (time space warp ngayon din! hehehe) but also in everyday life too.

Those have mastered the art of habituation become numb.
Those who choose to encounter each situation as if it were the 1st time
lives life to the fullest...or foolest?!

pedia s interesting.
and so is my life.


dig this

For two lovers goin on a date, time passes by in seconds.
but for a girl who waits for a guy to love her, a life time passes by.
that's relativity.

mercredi, novembre 30, 2005

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Yahooooooooo isn't it great when you do somethin great with exerting too much effort?!?!?!?! yahoooooooooo! 1st time to ah. bute nalang i enjoyed myself last night and i didn't get OC over that ob quiz!!!! anyways, i watched the premiere of a french film entitled, "joyeux noel". cheeeesy title huh??? pero the theme was really great. the story speaks of how three battling nations managed to find peace amidst the war..... asteeg. it was a true story by the way that's why its sooo touchin! though it seemed great, the story was made is such a way that it lacks depth and polarity...parang the denounement was sooo abrupt and you get this feeling that the ending was kinda hurried. anyways, too bad din its gonna be released pa sa US on february....tsktsktsk...kinda out of season na talaga.

anwyays, enough with the movie. hay im sooo badtrip with my insomiac episode last was soooo uncalled for coz i really wanted to rest. yan tuloy i ended up sleepin late wakin up late at crammin for ob as usual. hehehe!

anyways, last nite during my one thousand and one sheep-counting moments...faye texted me..."Loving a person doesn't need a criteria, kse once you fall in love, you take the risk of accepting the person. You dont need to find the answer kung baket mo siya mahal.Kse lahat nagbabago...but if you accept that person,magbago man sha in the middle of the relationship,di ka masasaktan kse tanggap mo sha ng buo. Mahirap gawin pero masarap subukan dahil wala ng sasaya pa if you let that one person deel na mahal na mahal mo sha without asking for anything in return.Then u can say na wow un pala and love!" ----------fudge. i didn't know what to say when i read this. talk about me beeeeein so speechless (while countin sheep) hehhe. tinamaan talaga ako. so maybe, there's hope for me pala talaga.

well well well...i'm thinkin of somebody from my past now. ang weird....all the memories are kinda blurry in my head.?! well cguro there's nothin really much to reminisce and remember when ur sooo over and done with them anymore. i was thinking... am i really supposed to be with my ex's or is it ok if i just ditch them and live as if they never existed?! "live and let live" hehehe.

goooooooosh! lapet na ng christmas!!!! there are so many things i wanna do... i wanna drink wine at a hotel...listen to good music...classical...... fudge. the thought hit me... if i really get kinda well-off when i get older....i wanna live in a hotel penthouse cguro ;p it'll be fun...pero i want my own house din...pero if i end up livin alone...i can have both. :) ung house, rest house by the beach!!! fudge! thats gonna be soooooo nice.

ang corny ko. in the middle of the people here in lru nagddaydream ako. actually, gusto ko uminom ng wine. ang sarap eh. especially white wine...ok lang din un boone's. parang juice :) day dreamin day dreamin! feels soooo gooood parang i'm floating lang... wala nang drama! well well, i guess i'm starting to stop (ironic huh?) thinking about my love life all the time...hehehe i'm happier now. ;p and i'm starting to smile again. :)


mardi, novembre 29, 2005

Punch drunk Love

There are some people who meet that somebody they can stop loving, no matter how hard they try.
I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that dont go away...and maybe that makes them crazy,
but we should all be lucky to end up with that sumbody who has a little of that insanity.
Somebody who'll never let us go, somebody who cherishes u forever...

nako ang bait bait talaga ng mga kaibigan ko. tsktsk....lakas tama! lecheng love yan! asssssssssssuuuuuuus!

anyways, i was soooooooo stupid last night. shempre, i was, as usual, in my "psychotic state" when i thought of drinking wine.... yezzzz boone's ;p white.
love it. sarap.

peor i thought it'll make me only made the emptiness seem as is there's something least it made me sleep. :) nice. swabeh. no hangovers or whatsoever.

actually, i don't have anything to share that much from now on! hmph! i just realized that there's more to life that just rambling and thinking about my love life. (yeah like readin nelson naman) i guess i just forgot how its like to be alone. i used to be alone naman so i guess i can handle things.

a good friend of mine made me realize somethin after lunch.... i dont know why pero i guess i'm kinda selfish really... dang. pero kenneth was tellin me last saturday night na what i feel is normal. everyone wants to be in love. maybe im just thinkin more about it than im supposed to. but anyways, change topic na nga!

I'm boycotting nestle!
tsktsktsk i know im such a coffee addict but from now on, no more nescafe for me! im boycottin dem coz they're so cruel to their workers! imagine!!!!!!! 3 years (or more) na ata sila on strike. they're just demandin only a little of justice that they're supposed to have to begin with....and yet all these crazy-already-mayaman na people just wants to really get on top of the pyramid.... may araw din kayo...hahahha im really affected huh?

well well what else? i guess nothing much. i just wanna draw the thin line that i have erased almost 2 years ago....

samedi, novembre 26, 2005

somebody texted me this early morning.. "One day we wake up fallin in love with a wrong person in a wrong time and place..But one day, we realize that its not the person,time and place that is wrong..but our expectation of a perfect love story.." dang... hits me big time. maybe to begin with i have this personality na perfectionist...once i put effort into something, i expect things to go so well like the way i want them to... and of course, i'm no god. most of the time, life catches me with so many surprises that i never thought of in the first place.

But its really a mental torture.. i'm the type of person who wants to know whats gonna happen to me in the future. not that i hate surprises, but i hate drastic changes in my life. i wanna be prepared for everything....

actually, preparation is just psychological. nobody can ever be prepared for anything... the only thing that we could ever expect are the ones that we haven't thought of...Why do we find ourselves "stuck in a moment"? maybe because, we never really considered the importance of each and every second of our lives...especially in my fast-paced world...i barely have time to spare.

It's jolie's bday today......
it's just so weird that it suddenly hit me how old i am. shet. a couple of years from now, i'll be thirty...dang!!! 30 years from that, i'll be sixty...and i'll be gone...i'll be a memory. hahaha. ang drama ko talaga! bwahahah

anyways, kainis yang pharma na yan ah! the questions are soooooooooo hard. hehehe reklamador talaga ko minsan.

i miss faye.

i miss my high school friends.

dang. ganto ba talaga if ur in med sch? nababaliw? all i can do is just reminisce coz i dont have any memories to make anymore from now on?!?!?!?! wag naman. shet
bitter na naman ako. fuck dinedread ko un weekend...

......i dont have anyone to spend it with...

FUCK D NAMAN AKO GANTO DATI AH. im seriously beginnin to think that i have "attention-deficit disorder" in other words 'KULANG SA PANSIN' shet wala ng nagtetext saken. when i was in high school, i used to have a pager, (low-tech talaga dati) tapos i always get dozens of msgs! voice mail pa plus email! what the fuck???

this is the thing that happens when all you ever do is just listen the whole day and read. its fun naman sometimes pero sometimes din i just wanna talk..and have coffee (not alone)

i'm gettin' tired of bein alone.

vendredi, novembre 25, 2005

You cannot quit me so quickly

...The space between The tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.........

Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I've got all the time for you love

Fuck i'm hearin this song again..hits me really hard! long songs hit u hard when you're sooooo in love, or when you soooooo out of love. true true. malapet na weekend! pero come to think of it, who am i gonna spend it with?!!?!? hope my bro is at home or else "stuck in a moment" nanaman ako.

There's so much to say or do than think about love. but i love talking about love. its either i'm empty...or i'm soooo full of it..... more life full of it. this is sooo sappy but i can help but feel sad again. hay nako i get sadder and sadder everytime i go bloggin! happy thoughts happy thoughts! pero sa bagay, my day was ok naman.

cge c crushie nalang. this is rubbish pero i dont know y all of a sudden kinikilig ako. shet. hay...ebs texted me. maggym daw sha later. its ok naman pero bt ganun...sometimes love goes wrong. as the song goes, how can the same love, that made u so happy, makes u so sad? hay. im gettin older. before i used to be concerned with chinese garter and jackstones...and then high school, friends naman....and life. well well. i cant imagine myself havin a kid and thinkin all about my future husband and kid all the time when i hit the age of 30's..shet. d ko talaga maimagine. parang ayaw ko.

all i can say is that

ill be a surgeon by then

and happy.

sometimes sad

8 minutes

shet 8 mins nalang blogging time ko! bruha kse un computer guy from commerce eh ang bagal bagal magprint ng hx ko. pakshet yan tuloy. nadisorganize na thoughts ko.
Anyways, i'm having a good day. Cp integ was fine, ok naman un quiz. d mashado na-boljak, except that kulang with the slides...but i guess its ok. Virology is fine din. short lecture but deadly quiz pero my day is still so-so...

why am i looking for something wrong? i guess i got used to it. dang!

crush stories end up bein crushed.

"love stories are all the same" - yeah yeah yeah. last nite i was askin dis married friend of mine if he's still in love with his wife...ampucha. shempre, not much really. tsktsktsk.

i was heart broken.

hope they patch things up..but how do u fall in love all over again? my besty told me that once in awhile couples should surprise each other...hmm, i do naman eh...except that it doesnt really work most of the time. some surprise huh? last nite i was havin the ultra-masungit-mood of my life...he didnt really try to cheer me up but he tried to bear with me...dang. it worked. kinda felt childish complaining about certain things.

oh well. atleast nothing really is makin me sad right now.

i had a date last nite.
it was with Harrison, Robbins and Bates.
whatta crock of shit. talk about nerdness. pero funny kse i enjoyed. it was like me getting inside the cell...nyek. hahahah. all my thoughts are jumbled na so i gotta go. time for OB.

fuck why do i always think of that person who's makin me smile right now..

mercredi, novembre 23, 2005

The trouble with hello is goodbye.

i heard that song last night, and i found myself lost somewhere in between the about gettin soooooo love sick...dang...i wanted to keep things to myself coz i noticed that lately, there's been a lot of confession on my part. even this blog is a whole new revelation on that side of me that wants to be hidden. i guess, its really hard falling in love...with the decision should come the confidence to fight for whatever's gonna happen.

i got sooooo depressed last night...i realized that i wasnt so happy anymore and yeah i've been sad for too long...i'm really kinda confused with this love-sick marathon every night. keeps me up nalang palagi. yeah yeah yeah im a hopeless romantic...or hopeless lang talaga?!

Last night i was textin with my college bestfriend...hayyyy and she was askin me about marriage and all that? What a crock of shit. ngayon pa talaga. dang. i dont wanna get married. i dont wanna have kids.


but deep inside me, i'm waiting...
waiting to be loved.


i'm tired of waiting for nobody.

i'm so fuckin stupid!

tangna...the trouble with hello isn't goodbye...
its the transition from happiness to sadness that melts in between.

mardi, novembre 22, 2005

Flying gagamba

Last nyt, i was sooo engrossed readin Robbin's (coz it was abt smokin) and then suddenly, a long-legged-flying spider flew over my study table! FUCK! panic attack!!! dang.

speakin of panics, i had another episode 2 hours before lunchtime...shockers. i was kinda scared of reportin for that pathophysio.... :( dami kseng saket eh. may cva na diabetic pa may congestive heart failure pa...and to sum it all up, anasarca. Yes. Chronic Kidney Disease. Patay tayo jan! yeah yeah yeah! fave ko talaga un renal topic pero dis is kinda challengin for me. my gulay! i havent checked my cel for like 2 hours....wahahhaha.

nyeta kanina lunch ang init sa labas. me, nat and bry went out to eat pero grrrrrr.... anyways, ok na ko now. ppl are helpin' me out na so im not so much of a paranoid anymore. speakin of paranoia, ive been sleepin for 2 consecutive classes na...not the entire lecture though pero the last minutes of both lectures. especially dr "you-know" 's class. hahahaha it was kinda interestin but i really cant help but doze off.. pero shockers. somethin kinda bothered me...i have symptoms of a bipolar...insomnia...initial and un second type..but not he terminal one. at least not schizo hehehe lucky me!?!

hay. badtrip i only have a few mins for my bloggin time. was busy fixin the report only to find out that dr marcial/carpio isnt around. great! anyways, i was happy the whole weekend. got to spend time w/ kabuts last fri nyt (he gave me flowers) ;p awwww hehehe. saw harry potter :) and bowled yday. old school huh?

hmmmm, this single-blessed thing has been on my mind for a long time na....oh well. what the fuck. i will wait padin naman til the water runs dry (naks.)

samedi, novembre 19, 2005

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind

So when will this end it goes on and on.Over and over and over again. Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop. Till I step down from this for good

I'm obsessed...ive been spending each and every night after my bad "break up" wondering why i always feel my bliss sublime. dang. i always have this sorta immune mechanism on break-ups, cool offs whatever people may call it. looks pretty much the same to me.

Ever since he broke up with me/cool off (a couple of mins before my bday! huwwwwwwat?!), its like i've built this great wall of china around me already! seems like everytime i see him, there's just so much hesitancy...too many inhibitions... I never imagined i'd feel this way about him. Since i realized this yesterday, i kinda looked for a way to fight myself...i planned a surprise for him...was gonna give him "piglet" chocolates....dang...cheesy, but the cheesiest and corniest acts of showing affection are the sweetest indeed. mamatay nalang sa inggit ang iba. hahaha. i know deep inside him, he'll feel sorta happy rin. but my plan didn't work out. he's was so fuckin' busy (eventhough he's at rehab med lang) to drop by the LRU just to see me!!! dang. my "surprise" was hopeless. no, let me correct that. I'm hopeless.
Tangina. now he's gonna ask me why i'm cold? he even made such lousy excuses that he couldn't text me coz he didn't have load!!! Now, what kind of a summa cum jologs excuse is that?!?!?!??!!??! aaaaaargh....i retired early yday night coz i was restless the night before. Went home after class, and there i slept. no more thinkin' fuckin' hard before i went to bed. it's not gonna be worth it for someone who can't even think of a way just to text me. Am i askin' for too much? dang! i wish this bloggin thing could speak back to me now!!!!!
I used to tell me lovesick friends na, "you can hold on as long as you want to, just make sure that there's Somebody to hold on to..." makes sense right? pero now that i'm in the "love-sick" situation, i just couldn't let go of him that easily...tangina. i dont know if this is just a phase or is it really true that we've grown apart?!
I woke up 12am...tryin' to study for my pharma exam. with oh-soooooooo good music in the background and nobody's textin me....oh no. do i really have that KSP syndrome?!?!?!?!??! or was i just wishing that somehow he'd remember to text me?or somebody else would text me????? i wanted to run away from everything last night...i turned of my phone...and tried to concentrate on the anti-fungals and anti-virals that were much much more interesting than my love life....yeah. fuckin right. now i'm levelin' myself to that.
While memorizin the most bizzare and weirdo anti-fungals/anti-virals, i heard EWF singin' "After the love is could you lead me on? When love is hard to fiiiiiiiind?" fuck. talk about bein hit (not by a lightning) but by a lightning and falling electrical post combined. :( m soooo sad. there were no tears though. i guess i ran out of tears cryin' during my birthday....
The only contradiction that happened to me last night was that despite all the sadness over my relationship, i was fantasizing again on an imaginary guy who'd fall for me....really hard. shempre, inspired by norah jones yung obsession na to over wishful thinkin'. i wonder if there's someone out there who'd care for me and love me sooooo much that even if i was in a mess, he'll understand me and wait for me to be okay and love me padin depite all my imperfections?!!?!? shet, hindi yata boyfriend hanap ko eh...tanga yata.
i'm sooooo confused right now. confused? hopeless? or maybe frustrated!!!!! it's like i'm slowly beginning to believe that there's nobody out there for me....parang its so impossible for men to be oh so faithful and lovin' and carin'. maybe i should just forget about daydreaming...oops wrong term....night-awake-dreaming...its such a fuckin sick cycle....i'm tired of it...i'm gonna give up the obsession of having somebody to take care of me til i get old....having somebody to love me so much.........kahet not even much....just somebody who'll LOVE ME. trully. oh well, this blog is about closing cycles.

vendredi, novembre 18, 2005

Sleepless nights

nother sleepless and restless night. woke up 11:30 pm...dang. wasnt able to get some zzzzzz's anymore. i'm not blamin' it on the caffeine. i only had one mug of coffee...i'm not blamin' it on cigarettes either...i only had...(nuninuninu) hehehe. basta i'm not blamin it on the cigarette. haha!

there's something about being sleepless that fascinates me...yeah yeah i'm kinda tired but it seemed like i'm able to concentrate harder and i feel more alive. maybe i just really don't like sleepin'. although i know that my body needs to reinvigorate, i still enjoy being a zombie........ hehehe... Sunset, sunrise...humhum.

i used to have this diary...its called a 'sunset, sunrise diary' coz i'm always up and i get to experience viewin the amazin beauty of the sunset and the sunrise...i know my place is far-fetched from a pent, but the view from my window is really nice....

makes me wonder...while the whole world is asleep...i'm up thinking endlessly about multitudes of topics...fantasies, things that i wanna do, people i wanna meet, and everything, anything i could think of... well well, most of it is just about love... nyahahahaha. i even thought about this freakin' dose-response curve for pain. hahaha! whatta crazy idea.

My dose-response curve for pain states that, given a certain infliction of pain, a person will respond like the way a bacterium grows (weird huh?) there's this log phase = No response, lag phase= minimal, little response, and Exponential phase = Maximal response.

hahaha! talk about geekiness mixed with my punch-drunk-love state! harharhar... freakin' nice song..."Come Away with Me" by Norah Jones...makes me wish so much that someday, somebody will be sooooooooooooooooo crazy enough to fall for me...and love there's no tomorrow.

I got this text message from nins: "Find a guy who calls u beautiful instead of hot, who calls u back when u hang up on him,who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.Wait for the guy who kisses ur forehead,who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, wait for the one who constantly reminds you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "she's the one.." Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!! talk about double awwwwwwwww with a capital A-W-W-W-W-W!!!! i could die if i found a guy who'll treat me that way...i really wanna be pampered coz i wanna pamper my guy also...

last nyt, while i was tryin to sleep...i made something up...this is the result of ultimate kabangagan... here goes: "Can you let me care for you without any strings attached?If you suddenly go away, my life won't be a mess...but i'm sure it'll be like watchin fire eat up my house...and all that's left is dust...soon ascending into nothingness...I'm not askin for you to care for me....Just staring at you makes me smile, makes my heart leap, drowns me in drunkeness...." ?!?!?!?! so weird noh? talk about dreamin and picking up lines and words from the stars.

jeudi, novembre 17, 2005


if there's one thing ive learned so far from my stay here at medschool today, it is to SAVE UR FILE! fuckin bitch jolog computer! i was soooo done with my blog entry for today and my computer suddenly hanged! talk about letting it all out and swallowing your vomitus in!!!! grrrr!

anyway, i was just makin kwento of what happened to me last nite...i was such in a hyper-sinisipag-ako-magaral-mode coz i took so much coffee..the hype was sooo sudden...i just found myself enjoying at marvelling at the wonders of obstetrics! i wasnt even content with reading apmc, i even consulted wheater's for the histologic progression of the generative organ of pregnancy!!! talk about passion man!!!

and then i began wonderin...what happened to me for the past year? it seemed like i never discovered the wonders of anatomy, physiology, neuro-anatomy, psychiatry and biochemistry?!?!!?! what happened to me? when i was at pre-med, i used to dream about readin all of those stuff...but when i began medschool, parang all my passions suddenly disappeared!!! what the hell? and then i began to rationalize while sipping a mug of black coffee...and then je regrette,

maybe the reason is that ive always been a person who seeks for new ventures all the time....what's good about it is that i never compromised med sch coz of my other interests...bad thing was...i guess i lost control of my time management... now im beginning to wonder, what if i really indulged in the basics of medicine? would i become a better doctor??? i guess sooooo... but if i dropped all my interests, would i have become a better person? of course not..

I guess there's so much to say about the complexity of who i am. i guess my friends are right...i'm complicated. but i love bein complicated...because that's what makes me, ME. if i was some just monotonous studying geek....i guess i wouldn't be happy.

mercredi, novembre 16, 2005

There's a somebody I'm longing to see: I hope that he Turns out to be...Someone who'll watch over me.I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood...I know I could..Always be good..To one who'll watch over me....

Familiar? this famous song gives me the pseudo-nostalgic, wishful thinking mood. I don't know why i'm such a sucker for that feeling. Maybe, i want to fall in love all over again. I've forgotten the feeling of having kilig moments, non-stop pretentious denials of "not being in love" when deep inside i know i am. I miss the adventure of guessing if the person likes you, what to do next, waking up early in the morning and planning the day ahead with him...waiting for his phonecall...and pretending not to care if ever he does... all of a sudden, im confused...i have a boyfriend naman, how come i want to fall in love again? (and not necessarily with him?!)

Maybe this is a sign that my long-time-serious-used-to-be-fun relationship is kinda on the rocks right now..seems like we're not eager to see each other anymore, we don't surprise each other anymore and we rarely have kilig moments...i'm confused. i know i love him, but why do i get this feeling of wanting to be single again? but if i'm single naman, i know there will be so many moments that i'm gonna die of misery coz i'm not with him...ang labo. i really can't understand myself. All i know is that, the only thing that's stopping me from looking for somebody else is the fact that i know i'm gonna hurt him if ever he finds out. and i can't bear that. i don't want to ever see him sad, more so, me, being the cause of the despair.

pero still the dilemma is stuck in my head.....whenever i hear kilig love songs, or watch romatic movies, there's still this thought in my head na i'm gonna have moments like those with my prince charming. (not necessarily my bf) parang somebody better will come along...i guess i'm just a sucker for love. i guess i'm not satisfied with the way he's treating me...i can't blame him din naman coz its his clerkship...pero what if, he finishes off with clerkship, will he change kaya? i just hope he does, before i decide to let go of him...