mardi, novembre 28, 2006

Gone with the Wind

"Its better to have nobody, than to have somebody who is half yours, half there or doesn't want to be there, or is there then suddenly disappears."

I was born into a world that made me believe in the permanence of the fundamental things in life. According to Jean Piaget's stages of cognitive development , the first essential process in attaining functional cognition is the sensorimotor stage, attained from birth to 2 years of life. In this period, we learn how to differentiate ourselves from other objects, and realize that things continue to exist even when they are cannot be perceived by our senses. Clinicians test this developmental stage, by showing an object (eg. ball) to the patient and hides it after wards. Children, who have fully developed this stage, reacts by crying, or looking for the object that was hidden. Those who have problems with cognition or those who have not yet reached the age of maturity (2 years old), will not react in a negative way because they fail to perceive that something is missing.

I am now 24 years old, the golden age of abstract thinking. sameness. distortion. disengagement. I have learned that NOT all things are permanent. Some good things never last. Old habits die hard. People say that the only constant thing in this world is change. I disagree. Constancy is relative to our imagination. Change is too much of a word to comprehend.

I am heartbroken because I am growing old. Gone were the days that nothing else mattered to me, as long as im with my friends, playing, talking, watching tv. Now, I began to have this sense of being incomplete and I really hate it. Why do i have to meet someone who makes me feel whole? Making me believe that the world is mine and he is my world. Why did I ever have to attain that sense of sameness, only to find out after 22 years, that it will break me?

Like what ive said, i search of answers in bleak places.

One has to have something, before he can lose it. You can never lose something you never had. Maybe I had him once. Or i was made to believe that i had him. Whether i had him or not, it doesn't matter anymore. I should learn to let things pass, as if they won't stay long, or as if they won't stay at all.

jeudi, novembre 23, 2006

Salt and Drama.

We search for answers in bleak places.

What defines a good lecture is not the amount of information devulged, its when a lecture makes you remember. My thursday morning consists of the usual, a headstart with a 2-hour lecture, an hour of small group discussion and another hour of workshop. (and of course, cigarette sticks in between) There's nothing really unusal with my morning. I fell asleep in the first 20 mins, woke up up and pretended to listen. As i stared blankly into screen, his animated busy slides kinda reminded me of my med tech days. Sir Rabor lecturing on coupling of a monoiodotyrosine plus diiodotyrosine to form T3. Oh, the ordinary doesn't amaze me.

As my thoughts galloped from the lecture to the most mundane bloggables in life, I suddenly heard him (dr. san luis) say, "We only need a teaspoon of iodine to meet our lifetime requirement". Whoa, that simple statement jolted me back to reality. Even if we only need a teaspoon of iodine to last a lifetime, why are there so many patients with iodine deficiency? Its not scarcity of resources. Its because just like all the other (and more)essentials in life, we can't take it all just once, and remain worry free for a lifetime.

I search for answers in bleak places.

Just like hapiness. We can't just have it all at once, and last a life time not having to worry about it.

mardi, novembre 14, 2006

This is a must-read. :-)

By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz, Ateneo de Manila University

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.

This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term.

If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.

It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

lundi, novembre 13, 2006

happy birthday to me! happy boitday 2 me! happy boitday happy boitday happy boitday to me hehehehe :) OMG im old. im a 24-year-old single, nulligravida. hehehe :) im spending my bday here at baangs with natalisms, nins, and james. waaaah its pretty hectic. anyways, just wanted to share with you guys that im not really a fan of celebrating my birthday. its more of a yearly evaluation of what happened to me. what changed, what remained, mistakes, and happy moments. i know im so corny but once in awhile we really have to evaluate ourselves.

im so surprised that so many people greeted my 12am :) im so touched coz i wasnt expecting some of my old friends to remember. thanks guys for making this day special. hehehe naks. drama mode.

anyways, its kinda toxic. last minute i found out that we have a report tom for urosurg. waaah! but on the brighter side, at least tapos na! hehehe neurology quiz awhile ago was a killer. i practically slept after i answered it. hehehe. i hope i passed. i slept half the time during ent. it was post prandial. hehehehe. really love sleeping after a full meal. buhay baboy. :)

well well well, tama ba naman magpatugtog ng senti songs dito. naku. im dead. i dont wanna remember. hay. i remember a movie that i really liked, "eternal sunshine on my spotless mind" hay sana meron talagang pangdelete ng memories. ASA. hehehe pero come to think of it, we have a selective memory. we remember those that matters, whether it makes us sad or happy. Roses are for remembering. i love flowers, but i like the smell of grass in the morning too. hay ang labo. this is so spontaneous. james n nins are chatting in front of me, theyre making their pedia history while im joggling thoughts in my head.

May narealize ako, the breeding ground for insanity is repeated thinking, which when done in soltitude brings about wisdom. Sanity is what makes people boring. its okay to be insane these days as long as we get a hold of ourselves.

i miss my childhood.

i wanna play badminton again despite my myalgias.

i have an addictive personality.

i find it hard to let go of my emotions.

i like crying alone.

but i also need a good hug.

im insane.

i love loving, even the pain it brings.
it makes me wiser, weaker and stonger at the same time.

ops tama na, im hungry. :)

mercredi, novembre 01, 2006

My japanese name is Nakamura (center of the village) Miharu (beautiful clear sky).
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