samedi, novembre 19, 2005



I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind



So when will this end it goes on and on.Over and over and over again. Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop. Till I step down from this for good








I'm obsessed...ive been spending each and every night after my bad "break up" wondering why i always feel my bliss sublime. dang. i always have this sorta immune mechanism on break-ups, cool offs whatever people may call it. looks pretty much the same to me.

Ever since he broke up with me/cool off (a couple of mins before my bday! huwwwwwwat?!), its like i've built this great wall of china around me already! seems like everytime i see him, there's just so much hesitancy...too many inhibitions... I never imagined i'd feel this way about him. Since i realized this yesterday, i kinda looked for a way to fight myself...i planned a surprise for him...was gonna give him "piglet" chocolates....dang...cheesy, but the cheesiest and corniest acts of showing affection are the sweetest indeed. mamatay nalang sa inggit ang iba. hahaha. i know deep inside him, he'll feel sorta happy rin. but my plan didn't work out. he's was so fuckin' busy (eventhough he's at rehab med lang) to drop by the LRU just to see me!!! dang. my "surprise" was hopeless. no, let me correct that. I'm hopeless.
Tangina. now he's gonna ask me why i'm cold? he even made such lousy excuses that he couldn't text me coz he didn't have load!!! Now, what kind of a summa cum jologs excuse is that?!?!?!??!!??! aaaaaargh....i retired early yday night coz i was restless the night before. Went home after class, and there i slept. no more thinkin' fuckin' hard before i went to bed. it's not gonna be worth it for someone who can't even think of a way just to text me. Am i askin' for too much? dang! i wish this bloggin thing could speak back to me now!!!!!
I used to tell me lovesick friends na, "you can hold on as long as you want to, just make sure that there's Somebody to hold on to..." makes sense right? pero now that i'm in the "love-sick" situation, i just couldn't let go of him that easily...tangina. i dont know if this is just a phase or is it really true that we've grown apart?!
I woke up 12am...tryin' to study for my pharma exam. with oh-soooooooo good music in the background and nobody's textin me....oh no. do i really have that KSP syndrome?!?!?!?!??! or was i just wishing that somehow he'd remember to text me?or somebody else would text me????? i wanted to run away from everything last night...i turned of my phone...and tried to concentrate on the anti-fungals and anti-virals that were much much more interesting than my love life....yeah. fuckin right. now i'm levelin' myself to that.
While memorizin the most bizzare and weirdo anti-fungals/anti-virals, i heard EWF singin' "After the love is gone.....how could you lead me on? When love is hard to fiiiiiiiind?" fuck. talk about bein hit (not by a lightning) but by a lightning and falling electrical post combined. :( m soooo sad. there were no tears though. i guess i ran out of tears cryin' during my birthday....
The only contradiction that happened to me last night was that despite all the sadness over my relationship, i was fantasizing again on an imaginary guy who'd fall for me....really hard. shempre, inspired by norah jones yung obsession na to over wishful thinkin'. i wonder if there's someone out there who'd care for me and love me sooooo much that even if i was in a mess, he'll understand me and wait for me to be okay and love me padin depite all my imperfections?!!?!? shet, hindi yata boyfriend hanap ko eh...tanga yata.
i'm sooooo confused right now. confused? hopeless? or maybe frustrated!!!!! it's like i'm slowly beginning to believe that there's nobody out there for me....parang its so impossible for men to be oh so faithful and lovin' and carin'. maybe i should just forget about daydreaming...oops wrong term....night-awake-dreaming...its such a fuckin sick cycle....i'm tired of it...i'm gonna give up the obsession of having somebody to take care of me til i get old....having somebody to love me so much.........kahet not even much....just somebody who'll LOVE ME. trully. oh well, this blog is about closing cycles.

3 commentaires:

"c@> a dit…

devil's advocate lang.. not to diss u or anything.. just giving u some more things to think of.. baka naman ur just too concentrated on him being perfect kaya it seems that he's not doing enough..
i know syempre masarap pa rin lambingin, and to be texted and to be loved and all that shit.. pero sabi nga ni kat.. learn to grow without him.. he's learning to grow without you e..

psyche a dit…

mismo...

pero love fool talaga ko eh...

Nat Casuela a dit…

pabreak up break up pa kau, magbabalikan naman. dami nyo drama sa buhay. TAMA NA YAN. make love, not babies. i mean, not war.