the world is my treadmill

2011-05-19T01:36:00.001+08:00

Lesson learned.

Not everything is worth fighting for. There are certain events/people in our lives that are worth letting go.

2011-01-29T13:02:00.001+08:00

Need i say more?

Tonight I can write the saddest lines
by: Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

2009-12-04T01:28:00.002+08:00

a flower asked the sun, "shine for me like you always do, and everything's gonna be fine".
The sun, being a lover of the flower, obeyed. And He shined even through the night. The next day, the sun saw the flower dead. Too much killed her lover.

Too much is not enough. Maybe a little is.
Ive had enough.

2009-11-09T21:28:00.003+08:00

" Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Pass Time.
No.
Time passes.

Most of my thoughts
are kept in shoeboxes.
Neatly folded.
Tucked.
Stapled.

Why think thoughts that have been thought of?
The art of association is simple.
It is deciphering dissocations that's complicated.

Dont think, i think.
I saw.
And then
there it was.

2009-01-22T16:31:00.002+08:00

He was motionless
behind the windows
i hide myself,
i cover him bleakly
How can i move?
when he will no longer feel nor see.

Time is up.
Its been beyond
picking up pieces of broken glass
is easy when youve done it more than once.

Didnt you know
that your breath
is a mist in my pain?

Give it up.
Its moving.
Im moving.
Drifting away
like the leaves of a fallen day.

2008-04-29T16:31:00.002+08:00

Pick up the grains of sand,
that had dusted my miles of longing
Don't you want to blink?
And lose a moment's thought

The wind has kissed my hair,
a million times that you haven't,
yet all remembrance comes
from that one time you did.

My soul embraces that tiny part of me
that you thought you have,
yet it yearns for your hand
in so many ways you'll never know

How can i bloom a midsummer's love
when we are lost in our worlds?

Once, a poor number
that sparks abound my memory.
We lose time, yet only to gain
that of that once.

2008-01-30T18:33:00.000+08:00

All love stories are the same. It gives you that momentarily surprise wherein the world stops, and all the flowers seem to smell good, the wind seems to dance with your hair and the sun seems to kiss your skin. But, love ruins everything. Its that certain feeling that most people confuse themselves with.

Why do we want to fall in love again despite knowing that its all the same?

Because its in that single moment, we become human. We feel more. We stop living our lives that only happens during holidays, or on the weekends. We live more. We seem to get more out of life.

And when its over,

All love stories will be the same.

2007-11-08T18:15:00.000+08:00

It stemmed from the winds of a lifetime of emotions
Of wine glasses and ashes of doubts.

Emptied farewells from yesterday,
thoughts i have long engraved in the stars.

the trails of footsteps on my rooftop are finally gone.

Kisses from the sun, comfort from the rain.
My coffee's nearly cold.

And then, i wouldn't have to say,
All love stories are the same.

2007-10-02T13:41:00.000+08:00

pulchritudinous.

2007-05-19T17:13:00.000+08:00

i dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go.
its like we're scared to lose what we dont have. some of us say we'd rather have
that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is. having it half-way is
harder than not having at all.

2007-04-06T21:58:00.000+08:00

"Day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel? To be always together, yet forever apart?"
- The Notebook, Nicolas Sparks

To realize the limits of the word "together" is indeed, crucial.

2007-03-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

"All that a girl needs, is one guy who would be man enough to prove to her, that not all men are the same" - text from bien (lesli's bro)

My first reaction is, yes, true true. But after a gamut of thoughts that entered my mind, (blame it on the pei pa kwa hard candy!) i dont think that, that should be the case. That statement might have been made by a brokenhearted lady who's experienced god knows how many breakups that she NEEDS SOMEONE to PROVE to her that all those tears and nights of longing are worth it. damn. ang weak naman nun. since when did we live in a world wherein, each breath we take its a point proven?

Truth is, we are in a world thats entirely imperfect and we have to live with it. We must grow out of the fairytales, and happy endings that entertained our immature minds. We must accept that life is difficult, so that it will no longer become difficult. That we live in a world wherein its easier to tell lies, than to tell the truth, and that only a few are brave enough to handle the former. That we can have a thousand drinking buddies, people to hangout with, but we will end up with a few people when we are asphyxiated with life's problems. That pain is not uncommon. That we will love, give out everything we have, and in the end we will have our hearts broken. And that we owe it to ourselves to mend it, without needing that knight in shining armor will come and save us from the pain.

YES, the truth is, WE HAVE TO MEND OUR OWN BROKEN SELVES.

That's the hard part about growing up. You do it on your own. You don't wait for someone to prove to you that its not gonna happen again. COZ IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. We will get hurt again, we will cry again, and its up to us how to handle it.

We do not have to live in the shadow of another person's mistakes. I guess the best thing we can do is to do good, and try to avoid hurting anyone. so point of the story is, wag kumain ng pei pak kwa candy. Mali, wag pala magisip habang kumakain ng pei pak kwa candy. :)

2007-03-28T20:26:00.000+08:00

its one summer night and i find myself giggling over the lyrics of "one fine day", sang by The chiffons, here goes..

One fine day
You'll look at me
And you will know
Our love was meant to be
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl

The arms I long for
Will open wide
And you'll be proud
To have me by your side
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl

(Bridge:)
Though I know you're the kind of boy
Who only wants to run around
I'll keep waiting and someday, darling
You'll come to me
When you want to settle down, oh

One fine day
We'll meet once more
And then you'll want
The love you threw away before
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl

---

*giggles*double giggles*

just that imagination that somebody will sing me that song is entirely heartwarming.
haaaaaaaay, i really am a romantic (not entirely a hopeless one) or i guess im just bored.
Rica, kasalanan mo to hehehe anyways, its been long since i blogged something bloggeable.
haha. that word is found in my dictionary.

i have long fancied myself in a restaurant in europe, (cool noh? it really has to be in europe!)
having breakfast, reading a book. oh and i am wearing a skirt and pointed flats, and then i smell
something nice,that of mixed dewdrop on grass and fresh tea leaves (someone's gonna laugh reading this)
, and then that fresh scent distracts me from eating my apple pie and i turn my head to see someone,
holding fresh flowers. :)

oh noh im giggling again.

being single isnt really that bad :D when you have imagination hihihihihi bleh.

2007-03-08T12:24:00.000+08:00

"Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." -- Albert Einstein

Indeed.

2007-03-07T10:22:00.000+08:00

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and underprepared
But I wait for you
If you go, if you go
Leaving me here on my own
Well I wait for you

2007-01-08T09:10:00.000+08:00

dew drops
on an embellished flower.
innocent and naive.
trickling down beneath the folds,
opens it a little.

more.
give me some more.

2006-12-01T22:01:00.001+08:00

Haunted

Night is a mirror
My soul flew far,
far away.

Creeping echoes of my silence
bathed my memories
of you

My slumber longs to stop
Im awake, Daylight.
I am the same.

2006-12-01T16:59:00.000+08:00

All about me

Rainy days delight me. Draws out some emotions in my closet. I like analyzing complications. Mediocrity is for the bored and dull. Simple things make me smile. Nice shoes. Ice cream. Stars. Flowers. the smell of morning grass (without manure). sea shells. pigs.a nice cup of coffee. jelly ace. full moon. foiliage. I get thrilled when im at powerbooks. I fancy having a mansion with a nice lawn and garden. It has a big comfy bench wherein i will spend sunday mornings reading books with someone I love.

Failure and incompetence frustratesme. I overcompensate. I enjoy conversations, both intellectual and stupid ones. I like giving surprises and receiving them as well. Discoveries stimulate me. Sometimes im hyperactive, but boring lectures and heavy meals makes me somnolent. Once, i believed that accidentally ingesting seeds will transform me into a plant. So i ate some dalandan seeds, but nothing happened.

I believe that the most important things are learned through experience, but knowing the recognizable is very essential. I am insensitive, and sensitive and sometimes i realize things to soon or too late. Discipline is an art that i wanna master someday. I like bossa nova. Dishwalla keeps me sane. I like eating ice cream on the roof top while looking at the stars. When my imagination runs dry, i study. I contemplate endlessly.

My entire life is bloggable. I have bad habits that i wanna get rid of. I love my baby brother very much. I wanna travel someday. I collect postcards from coffee bean and tea leaf. i like watching madeleine and art attack. Repetitions bore me.

2006-11-28T08:46:00.000+08:00

Gone with the Wind

"Its better to have nobody, than to have somebody who is half yours, half there or doesn't want to be there, or is there then suddenly disappears."

I was born into a world that made me believe in the permanence of the fundamental things in life. According to Jean Piaget's stages of cognitive development http://www.learningandteaching.info/learning/piaget.htm , the first essential process in attaining functional cognition is the sensorimotor stage, attained from birth to 2 years of life. In this period, we learn how to differentiate ourselves from other objects, and realize that things continue to exist even when they are cannot be perceived by our senses. Clinicians test this developmental stage, by showing an object (eg. ball) to the patient and hides it after wards. Children, who have fully developed this stage, reacts by crying, or looking for the object that was hidden. Those who have problems with cognition or those who have not yet reached the age of maturity (2 years old), will not react in a negative way because they fail to perceive that something is missing.

I am now 24 years old, the golden age of abstract thinking. sameness. distortion. disengagement. I have learned that NOT all things are permanent. Some good things never last. Old habits die hard. People say that the only constant thing in this world is change. I disagree. Constancy is relative to our imagination. Change is too much of a word to comprehend.

I am heartbroken because I am growing old. Gone were the days that nothing else mattered to me, as long as im with my friends, playing, talking, watching tv. Now, I began to have this sense of being incomplete and I really hate it. Why do i have to meet someone who makes me feel whole? Making me believe that the world is mine and he is my world. Why did I ever have to attain that sense of sameness, only to find out after 22 years, that it will break me?

Like what ive said, i search of answers in bleak places.

One has to have something, before he can lose it. You can never lose something you never had. Maybe I had him once. Or i was made to believe that i had him. Whether i had him or not, it doesn't matter anymore. I should learn to let things pass, as if they won't stay long, or as if they won't stay at all.

2006-11-23T09:40:00.000+08:00

Salt and Drama.

We search for answers in bleak places.

What defines a good lecture is not the amount of information devulged, its when a lecture makes you remember. My thursday morning consists of the usual, a headstart with a 2-hour lecture, an hour of small group discussion and another hour of workshop. (and of course, cigarette sticks in between) There's nothing really unusal with my morning. I fell asleep in the first 20 mins, woke up up and pretended to listen. As i stared blankly into screen, his animated busy slides kinda reminded me of my med tech days. Sir Rabor lecturing on coupling of a monoiodotyrosine plus diiodotyrosine to form T3. Oh, the ordinary doesn't amaze me.

As my thoughts galloped from the lecture to the most mundane bloggables in life, I suddenly heard him (dr. san luis) say, "We only need a teaspoon of iodine to meet our lifetime requirement". Whoa, that simple statement jolted me back to reality. Even if we only need a teaspoon of iodine to last a lifetime, why are there so many patients with iodine deficiency? Its not scarcity of resources. Its because just like all the other (and more)essentials in life, we can't take it all just once, and remain worry free for a lifetime.

I search for answers in bleak places.

Just like hapiness. We can't just have it all at once, and last a life time not having to worry about it.

2006-11-14T07:53:00.000+08:00

This is a must-read. :-)

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz, Ateneo de Manila University

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.

This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term.

If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.

It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

2006-11-13T18:57:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me! happy boitday 2 me! happy boitday happy boitday happy boitday to me hehehehe :) OMG im old. im a 24-year-old single, nulligravida. hehehe :) im spending my bday here at baangs with natalisms, nins, and james. waaaah its pretty hectic. anyways, just wanted to share with you guys that im not really a fan of celebrating my birthday. its more of a yearly evaluation of what happened to me. what changed, what remained, mistakes, and happy moments. i know im so corny but once in awhile we really have to evaluate ourselves.

im so surprised that so many people greeted my 12am :) im so touched coz i wasnt expecting some of my old friends to remember. thanks guys for making this day special. hehehe naks. drama mode.

anyways, its kinda toxic. last minute i found out that we have a report tom for urosurg. waaah! but on the brighter side, at least tapos na! hehehe neurology quiz awhile ago was a killer. i practically slept after i answered it. hehehe. i hope i passed. i slept half the time during ent. it was post prandial. hehehehe. really love sleeping after a full meal. buhay baboy. :)

well well well, tama ba naman magpatugtog ng senti songs dito. naku. im dead. i dont wanna remember. hay. i remember a movie that i really liked, "eternal sunshine on my spotless mind" hay sana meron talagang pangdelete ng memories. ASA. hehehe pero come to think of it, we have a selective memory. we remember those that matters, whether it makes us sad or happy. Roses are for remembering. i love flowers, but i like the smell of grass in the morning too. hay ang labo. this is so spontaneous. james n nins are chatting in front of me, theyre making their pedia history while im joggling thoughts in my head.

May narealize ako, the breeding ground for insanity is repeated thinking, which when done in soltitude brings about wisdom. Sanity is what makes people boring. its okay to be insane these days as long as we get a hold of ourselves.

i miss my childhood.

i wanna play badminton again despite my myalgias.

i have an addictive personality.

i find it hard to let go of my emotions.

i like crying alone.

but i also need a good hug.

im insane.

i love loving, even the pain it brings.
it makes me wiser, weaker and stonger at the same time.

ops tama na, im hungry. :)

2006-11-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

My japanese name is Nakamura (center of the village) Miharu (beautiful clear sky).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

2006-10-31T12:58:00.000+08:00

i was beaming as i was opening my newly purchased pack of cigarattes. although i've been trying to quit for a month now, i just couldn't help but crave for nicotine every now and then. I manuevered my hands skillfully to get a stick from my pack (ive got some style haha) and at this time i was still smiling, and then the unthinkable happened. flickr flickr flick flic fl my lighter isn't working!!!!!!!!! oh whatta frustrating moment. is this divine intervention? ho-hum. i paused to catch a breath, decided if im gonna give in. and yes, im a loser. i looked for a matches.

why am i so oral? i eat a LOT. i smoke a LOT.

i love thinking while im smoking. maybe thats one of the reasons why i find it hard to quit. Whenever i smoke, i seem to ponder about life, about my principles, about anything that matters...and even those that dont really matter.

top 7 things i love to do while smoking:

1. ponder
2. drink coffee
3. look at the smoke as it comes out of my mouth
4. watch people walk by
5. read a book
6. listen to dishwalla
7. imagine

2006-10-20T17:55:00.000+08:00

is it possible to find someone who's world will only evolve entirely around you?

People have a tendency get clingy when they are in a relationship. Why? Probably because of object permanence or separation-anxiety. (go, kaplan!) Whatever the reason is, we have to get over that cycle of clinging to our boyfriends, lover, hot papa, s.o.'s, whatever love object you have. i realized that being in a relationship ,(take note: not being in love. these are two different things)is like holding grains of sand in your hand. If you squeeze you hands too tight, the sand will spill. If you open your hands, the wind will blow it away. But if we try to hold it steady in our hands, it will stay.

The difficulty lies in knowing that you're being to much of something, and having the courage to do something about it.

2006-09-20T12:49:00.000+08:00

pink dress

that lady

ahem.

that half-lady (i mean)

hehe.

keeps me smiling.

crumble.

ive got no time to crumble.

2006-09-08T11:22:00.000+08:00

Drawn Out Lyrics
by Dishwalla

so the lines are lost
on the smallest details
of the life that we tossed
pushed out over the rail
and the wounds run deep
through the one man so bad
he's fallen beneath
the touch of your hand

and its all drawn out
there's nothing inside
and nothing to hold
nothing to find
its wearing' me out
this feeling inside
I'm all drawn out

and the promise we break it
and the reasons we fake it
bring us farther apart
from the love that we make
as the poisonous time
leaves us gasping for air
we run for the past
but were already there

and its all drawn out
there's nothing inside
and nothing to hold
nothing to find
and its wearing me out
this feeling inside
and its all drawn out
its all drawn out
I'm all drawn out

2006-08-17T10:50:00.000+08:00

If I give up on you I give up on me
If we fight what's true, will we ever be
Even God himself and the faith I knew
Shouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you

Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me, or take me as I am
And live our lives, stigmatized

I can feel the blood rushing though my veins
When I hear your voice, driving me insane
Hour after hour day after day
Every lonely night that I sit and pray

We live our lives on different sides,
But we keep together you and I
Just live our lives, stigmatized

We'll live our lives, We'll take the punches everyday
We'll live our lives I know we're gonna find our way

I believe in you
Even if no one understands
I Believe in you, and I don't really give a damn
If we're stigmatized
We live our lives on different sides
But we keep together you and I
We live our lives on different sides

We're gonna live our lives
Gotta live our lives
We're gonna live our lives
We're gonna live our lives, Gonna live our lives, Stigmatized

2006-08-15T15:57:00.000+08:00

St Therese's poem

May today there be peace within.
May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in
the sun. It is there for each and every one of you.

2006-08-05T20:37:00.000+08:00

What does it mean when u dream about the same person over and over again?

ive been dreaming about this person for quite sometime now and it bothers me why i dream about him. hmmmmmm... one of my friends analyzed it for me actually, and he told me that subconciously, he is my ideal guy. (NOT!) Oh well...it just so weird. i dreamt of him like 7 times already and its always in a situation wherein we are running away from something. The dream it really sweet, but the fact that its about him is so anti-climactic.

Anyway, ive been listening to Sade. Sobrang galing. wala lang. hehe. My thougts herniate whenever i hear "Kiss of Life". Love that song. haaaaaaaaaaaay so many things i wanna do, pero so little time. hay. good luck with prelims people.

2006-07-19T09:17:00.000+08:00

Later in life you'll learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You'll learn that love doesnt mean leaning and company doesnt mean security.You begin to learn that kissess arent contracts and presents arent promises. You learn to build all your roads today for tomorrow's grounds is too uncertain for your plans. After awhile, you'll learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and secorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You'll learn that you can endure, that your strong and that you have worth.

2006-07-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

dinner for tonight:

oil.
water.
mucus.

only med students will get this.

2006-07-08T01:44:00.000+08:00

I was watching "The Notebook", when it suddenly hit me, why do these cheesy love stories make me somehow wish that someone will love me that way. But then i thought, am i not being loved with the same amount, yet the only thing that makes it different is the era?

We live in a fast-paced life, wherein a single click, a single second can change our lives drastically. Isn't it amazing how "i love you" became so easy to say, or even express? The phrase is even a cliche! Sometimes we feel that the other person doesn't mean it anymore, but in reality, we're just hoping for magnified expressions. Big enoough for us to notice. The ones that really require so much effort. But is it just that, love is still the same, yet its expression has evolved, or it is the fact that the meaning of love just evolved through time?

Love conquers all.

History dictates what love can do. Its either its something great, or something so terrible enough to lose our sanity. After watching the paperback that turned into film, the feeling of envy is still right beneath my head. But right now im realizing, is it really something to envy about? Is it our faults that technology has evolved, and has tremendously made expression so much easier?

Sometimes its so nice to live a simple life. A life wherein not all things evolve and exist for our convenience... The simple acts are the ones that mean so much. A cheesy card, your guy going to your house just to ask you if he could take you to dinner tomorrow, a bunch of flowers that's hand-picked. Expressions of love arent supposed to be disposable, just like a text msg in your fone that you can delete. Its something that should stick to our memories. Something done out of convenience. and i go back to what i said. Love conquers all.... it conquers the comforts of the world we live in right now. It doesnt have to be hard, but it has to be done with meaning.

2006-07-03T15:56:00.000+08:00

my gawd this is such an eye-opener.

Being Twenty-Something...

Being Twenty-Something (This puts it all into words perfectly.) They call it the Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to
have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is
acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.

You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

2006-06-21T15:42:00.000+08:00

You know ive heard it said theres beauty in distorion
By some people who withdraw to find their head
And they say theres no humor in misfortune
No, i wonder if they'll laugh when i am dead

Why am i fighting to live
If im just living to fight
Why am i trying to see
When there aint nothing in sight
Why am i trying to give
When noone gives me a try
Why am i dying to live
If im just living to die

You know some people say that values are subjective
But theyre just speaking words
That someone else has said
And so they live and fight and kill with no objective
Sometimes its hard to tell the living from the dead

You know i used to weave
My words into confusion
And so i hope you'll understand me
When im through
You know i used to live my life as an illusion
But reality wil make my dream come true

So ill keep fighting to live
Till theres no reason to fight
And ill keep trying to see
Until the end is in sight
You know im trying to give
So come on
Give me a try
You know im dying to live
Until im ready to die

2006-06-03T14:56:00.000+08:00

SCHOOL STARTS SOON! some helpful tips to be a nerdy hehe

1. Your brain loves color. Use colored pens – good quality, not gel pens – or use colored paper. Color helps memory.

2. Your brain can effectively focus and concentrate for up to 25 minutes (adults). Take a 10-minute break after every 20-30 minutes of studying. Go do some chores: rake the lawn, iron a shirt, vacuum. Come back after 10 minutes and do another focused, intense session.

3. Your brain needs to be rested to learn fast and remember best. If you are tired take a 20-minute nap first otherwise you are wasting your study time.

4. Your brain is like a motor: it needs fuel. You wouldn’t put dirty fuel in your Lamborghini (if you had one) or you wouldn’t put low quality fuel in a rocket, would you? Well, your brain is a much more valuable, intricate machine than either of those so feed it properly. Junk food and imitation food and all the chemicals and preservatives weaken both your body and your mind. In fact, a recent study in England showed that your IQ is affected by your diet.

5. Your brain is like a sea of an electro-chemical activity. And both electricity and chemicals flow better in water. If you are dehydrated you just don’t focus as well. Drink enough water (colored liquids – pop, juice, coffee, etc. – are not the same). Often times headaches are connected to dehydration, too.

6. Your brain loves questions. When you come up with questions in class or when reading a book, your brain automatically searches for answers, making the learning faster. A good question has more than one answer.

7. Your brain and body have their own rhythm cycles: there are times during the day when you are more alert than others. You will save time learning if you study during your peak periods. If you have a part-time job that happens during your peak period you may wan to reconsider if it is wise to be giving your employer your best learning time.

8. Your brain and body communicate constantly. If your body is slouched down, the message the brain gets is that “this is not important” and so it doesn’t pay as close attention. In any learning situation, sit up and lean forward to help keep your mind alert. Buy a good quality, adjustable office chair.

9. Your brain is affected by smells. Use aromatherapy to keep your brain alert. Peppermint, lemon and cinnamon are good ones to experiment with.

10. Your brain needs oxygen. Get out there and exercise.

11. Your brain needs space. Be sure that you are not trying to study in a small cramped area.

12. Your brain needs your space to be organized. One recent study showed that kids who grow up in tidy, organized homes do better academically. Why? Because by being trained to organize the outside environment, the brain learns to organize the internal knowledge…which makes recall faster. Buy a 4-drawer legal-sized filing cabinet.

13. Your brain cells in the hippocampus, a part of the brain that deals with putting information from short-term to long-term memory, are destroyed by cortisol, which is created when you are stressed. So, yes, stress affects memory. How do you get rid of cortisol? Exercise.

14. Your brain doesn’t know what you can’t do until you tell it.
What are you telling it? Listen to your self-talk. Stop the negativity. Replace it with more positive, encouraging talk.

15. Your brain is like a muscle: it can be trained and strengthened, at any age. No excuses. Stop being a mental couch potato. Professional athletes practice every day; you can practice homework everyday. If “you don’t have any”, make some up for yourself. Read ahead, review…do SOMETHING.

16. Your brain needs repetition. It is better to do short frequent reviews than one long review because what counts is how many times your brain sees something, not how long is sees it in one sitting.

17. Your brain can understand faster than you can read. Use a pencil or finger to “lead” your eyes. By doing so you help your eyes move more quickly.

18. Your brain needs movement, especially if you are mostly a kinesthetic (body movement) learner instead of a visual or auditory learner. You might find your productivity go up if you have a standing desk. Buy one or make one by raising your desk/table on blocks. This allows you to move more easily and stay more alert.

19. Your brain seeks patterns and connections. When you are learning something, ask yourself, “What does this remind me of?” This will also help your memory because it connects the new knowledge to something you already know.

20. Your brain loves fun. We learn in direct proportion to how much fun we are having. Learning is life. Live it up!

2006-06-02T17:04:00.000+08:00

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

2006-06-02T16:58:00.000+08:00

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them!

You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you

You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil

How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

2006-06-02T16:51:00.000+08:00

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.
Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.
While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.
Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

2006-06-02T16:46:00.000+08:00

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous.
People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What Kind of Food Are You?

2006-06-02T16:35:00.000+08:00

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.

You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.

You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.

You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.

While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.

You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.

You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

2006-05-31T17:25:00.000+08:00

fly away
just like the leaves of a summer day
the clouds are watching
and i cannot cry

for the heavens will know my secret
and would hide the stars from me tonight
i smoke
wishin that just like the leaves
all that i have will fly away

escalate.
gone.

2006-05-19T21:15:00.000+08:00

i'm this bored.

1. Will u still love the person who once hurt u?
> of course. its never love without pain. pero it really depends din eh. i have some rules that cant be violated.

2. Will u go out on a date with a person u know
who is already committed with someone?
> nope

3. Would u steal the person u love most from ur
friend..?
> no. coz i'll never be happy knowing that someone's hurting bec of me.

4. What's the nicest thing ul do for love??
> letting him be.

5. What's the least thing ul do for love??
> totally forget myself.

6. Will u give ur ex a second chance??
> no. and make that exes.

7. What was the best thing uve done for the
person u love??
> number 5

8. If u get stuck on an elevator with your ex what
will you say?
> i'll let out a stinky fart! hahahaha no words. actions speak louder than words! bwahahaha

9. Will u give ur partner a big kiss in front of many
people?
> what's a big kiss? is there a small one? of course i can.

10.If ur ex fooled u once, will u give another set of
trust to him/her?
> nope.

11. What will u do if u caught ur partner with
someone else inside your room or bed?
> hmmm dont know. depends who.

12. If you will be given a choice. Will u drink a
bottle of wine one-on-one with ur partner or with ur
crush only the two of u inside the room?
> ehr...partner.

13. If you can only save one person on a crashing
plane, and u dnt know anybody there, who would it
be??
> the person nearest to me.

14. You are with your partner on a party. Your ex
asked you to dance with her/him even for a couple
of minutes. Will you dance with her/him knowing ur
partner is right there beside u?
> no. and even if he wasnt beside me, i wont!

15. Will u still give a present to ur ex on her/his
very special occasion?
> no

16. If u hear the word love who comes into ur mind
first?
> the color red. hehe

17. You won 2 tickets for a concert. Who will you
invite?
> depends what concert.

18. Will u do a big favor for ur ex?. Now that
you're already friends??
> sure no prob

19. Now, who u are thinking about?? Ur partner, ur
ex or ur crush??
> b.

20. Who do you love most, ur ex, crush, or your
present and why?
> i cant compare.

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous!" --- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

2006-05-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

Once dry, but never dead.

For a long time I dwelled in tranquility. My master used to hide me beyond the depths of her forsaken soul, as though I am lifeless...as though she thought I never existed. She never questioned my presence, but her angst and indifference conditioned me to be seemingly motionless, dry and probably dead.

She held in me a prisoner of her own doubt, of her own strength , of her own weakness...and of her own bitterness. She has shamefully secluded me for a long time. Yes, she made me ignorant of reality. I was a symbol of my master's desolation. But little did I know that she silently suffered as her stillness and optimism protected from this cruel world.

The moment she allowed me to breath, was a point of facing reality in the raw...not only for her, but for me as well. Slowly, as I drew back from nothingness, I began to perceive what was concealed... what was kept for a long time... what was real.

I heard his voice. I heard him say goodbye. My master tried to be still, she tried to be calm, but nevertheless the bitterness of parting drowned her being, as though it possessed her and as though it chained her soul. For the first time I realized who my master is. She was not an object of weakness, but a symbol of strength. She was not an object of hate, but a symbol of love... but even though she loved, fate wasn't just kind to her. The man who touched her heart, seemingly broke it too.

I was not amazed by her grief. I was not amazed by her bitterness, but rather I was amazed at how she accepted reality...how she took in all the pain, how she managed to say "goodbye and just be happy with her" with utmost sincerity, and most of all, I was deeply amazed at how she managed to let go of him, without hesitation, but with the willingness of a bold soul. Even if she knew he deceived her... she returned him the boundless understanding which he never deserved. Eventhough I never heard it, I knew she loved him.

Deliberately, she allowed me to breath. I realized I wasn't dead, but I was just kept. I realized I never really existed, until she created me. Since right that very moment, when I perceived that she was my creator. I realized how favored I was to have been conceived in her midst. I, grateful than ever, began comforting her as though I was a delineation of hope, I told her to just let go, and that she deserves someone better. Wanting to somehow ease her pain, I told her that life has to go on, with or without him and that she should let go of love, because she doesn't own it. I told her it will come back when it wills. and that someone out there is truly meant for her, and that it might be him, only she has to wait. And as though she heard everything that I said, she took a deep breath... and slowly, she touched me... and kept me in her midst, where I know I will dwell forever...

I am now dry... and maybe dead.
But I was the tear, which she once brought to life...
I used to be the symbol of her desolation, of her weakness, and of her bitterness...
and now that I am dead... I am a symbol of her acceptance, of her love... and probably of the reality she once tried to conceal...
-----

wrote this a few years ago...feels weird...hehe

2006-05-11T18:39:00.000+08:00

woke up 9am and went to the bathroom. As i was brushing my teeth, and what kevin said hit me again.

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intellect"

Well, come to think of it, we live most of our lives satisfying our imaginations. *hmmm*. Methinks that i gotta stop thinking before i put shampoo in my toothbrush *wtf?!* yes it happened to me twice already.

well well another hot summer day. :D was watching "Princess Hours/ Goong". Its a korean series. it sooo nice and really funnee *teehee* korean dvds really make me laugh, smile and giggle all over again like a 12 year old peeping on her crush. wahahahah. *giggles*

on the other hand, i began thinking of med school again. i miss my friends from school and some of my classmates too. *ahem* hehe. i'm hoping surgery wont be that hard.... shucks thinking of the subjects palang im gettin lazy already. ok now i know that i have to snap out of it. hehe

www.bryanboy.com is a super funny website of a gay fashionista. she's like the "gay lord" of the philippines. well at first i hated him coz he's such a materialistic, superficial and ruthless biatch but then i guess he's just livin the role he wanna live. and yes. thats bein a faggot. hehe :) hes really funny. the way he writes stuff, the way he expresses himself...its so gay. hi dont care if he's rich, if he has bags from chanel, fendi, lv and name it he has it, he's funny because i cant imagine a person livin a colorful life like the way he does. thinkin of gettin slim wen he looks soooo anorexic already. hes so obsessed with himself and its so funny. haha.

well who isnt vain nowadays?* teehee *

dont u just love drinkin tea and listening to jazz/classical/house music and smoking at the same time????? hoot hoot. my bad. still smokin.

2006-04-27T17:17:00.000+08:00

how can i have somebody i don't own? how can i lose somebody i never had? We don't lose the person. We lose a part of ourselves..and in the end it doesn't really matter.. because the more we lose ourselves, the more we find ourselves. We don't change. We just grow.

i made that last night. the sincerest thoughts comes without thought blocking when ur kinda tipsy. was listening to dishwalla for the nth time. As i raised my hand to give a toast for myself, then the thought hit me........ im free :) ima good. ir really is liberating to drink sometimes. i never enjoyed drinkin this much except when im drinking wine instead. i was drinking vodka cruiser last night. tasted too sweet so i added more vodka. thanks to my best bud, Ek for giving me the idea to drink alone. hehe ;0

i love my friends, and those people id want to help in the future.

sometimes the same thought hit me....... whats d purpose of my life? whats d meaning of my life? purpose........meaning........ so many thoughts so little time.

hope we find the meaning of waking up everyday. i wish i could wake up everyday with a smile on my face. not that i aint smilin but im usually expressionless. boring.

wanna go to paris

fall in love again

talk to strangers without gettin scared

wanna learn how to ride a bike

eat ice cream in the park

smell flowers and gaze at them

wanna go on top of the mountain

even if i have to go down again

watch the sunset with the one i love

watch the sunrise with the one i watched the sunset with

live today as if its my last chance at life

i wanna swim again

swim at a nice quiet beach

wanna visit london.

wanna do so many things.

in a nutshell.....

...
..
.

figure me out.

2006-04-25T17:13:00.000+08:00

You Are 72% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.
Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.
But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.
You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

2006-04-25T17:08:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

2006-04-24T16:18:00.000+08:00

A collection of destiny

des-ti-ny
The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.

A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: “Marriage and hanging go by destiny” (Robert Burton).

The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together.

[Middle English destine, from Old French destinee, from feminine past participle of destiner, to destine, from Latin destinare, to determine.]

here are several definitions of destiny, but the way i see it...

its when free will coincides another's free will. The beauty of destiny lies in its inevitability, and at the same time its flexibility. Destiny is flexible when interfered with free will. The dilemma lies in the extent of being in a "free" state of mind.

Only a few things matter in this world. Most of which are the things that we do. Doesn't matter so much what we think. It only becomes something of prime importance if we act upon it.
---
Was watchin some korean flick awhile ago and i noticed that most people (ahem) dont say what they really mean. its so weird. since when did we learn to become like that? Its something that distinguishes us from kids. and like what Dr. House always says, "Everybody lies".. whether its a little lie, a white one, black or a big one... it usually causes some trouble.

life's full of dilemmas.

dilemmas remain dilemmas

and they just add up in my blog. hehe.

2006-04-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

Heartaches will last as long as you want them to...

somebody told me this before or ive read that somewhere, and ive always kept that in mind. but right now, nothing seems to work...my strength seems to wear off... everything i do... reading books, listening to music, browsing thru my stuff... everything seemed to remind me of him..

im not searching for him...yet y does everything seem to remind me of him? havent i learned enough? i wanna move on. fall in love with myself all over again.

i wanna forget...but why does everything seem to against what i plan to do?

............................ anyways, in my attempt to forget abt him, ill just talk abt a documentary that captured my heart last night. (oh nice. the word "heart" reminded me of him!?)

well, i was searching for something interesting last night, and i watched iwitness. its a tv show in gma7. jay taruc made this documentary entitled, "gutom". its was indeed an eye-opener. moreso, it was a tear-jerker. yes, my pseudo-maangas face softened, and i cried.

it was about the poor families living along manila...those who didnt have enough to eat. :( i dont wanna go back to expensive restaurants anymore. not even to starbucks or the coffeeshops i always hangout at... the cup of coffee i drink, even costs more than a family living at vaseco can earn per day :( such a very sad thought. i hope there was smething all of us can do to help them.

... un lang muna. m not in d mood to write muna.

2006-04-16T00:46:00.000+08:00

Last night, in my efforts to escape boredom, i turned on my ever-reliable tv (again) and i watched 'the apocalypse' its a show, that was made to inform the public about the bible codes and how they work. It was pretty interesting.... really, but i was wondering, what do they decipher those for?

It think theyre desperately trying too hard to gaze into the future. Its like astrology, wherein the positions of the stars and the year you were born have a significance in your daily life.

Well, personally, everything in this world, in its own spatial design and purpose, (especially the ones we often ignore) have a significance in our lives. Its just that living all your life in the shadow of trying to decipher all the meanings behind everything will make you crazy (and funny). Its interesting to once in awhile try to pre-empt whats gonna happen next but its wiser to make sound decisions whether wrong or right.

Life is great big puzzle. All we can do is find clues on how to live it, and place our blessings where they should belong.... and in the end, this makes us whole.

i wrote something the other night, and irregardless if u guys could "decipher" is meaning or appreciate its content, up to u.

Close your eyes, and you think you can't see a thing. So, all if us become "blind", every so often. The world is fast, the mind is too slow. With every blink of an eye, time has changed and everything else does. It doesn't have to be painful, but if it persists long enough, we begin to perceive.

We're blinded with every blink of an eye, and no matter how hard we try to keep our eyes open, it can only do for so long. We have to blink, to see again. If we don't, our visions blur and our eyes well up with tears.

"The eyes are the windows to the soul" We have to blink and stop once in awhile to see again. If we lose sight of what lies ahead, we could blink and wipe away the tears. It's when we sleep, wherein our minds gain magic.

What can't be seen isn't always right, and what we can't is not always a dream.

2006-04-13T15:10:00.000+08:00

It ain't over TIL ITS OVER

Im such a love-fool. I love talking and listening about stories of love and how it conquers all. And in between love and the thin line that separates it from its mystery, i find myself trapped and drowned in the own concepts that i've held on to. Love is indeed so great that it shakes the entirety of my ego, and its boundaries.

It makes me happy to love --- and yes, im very crazy coz it gives me pain just the same. Love makes me childish, childlike... and everything that pertains to uncontrollable yearning of a 3-year-old kid for ice cream (disclaimer: i still am a 3-year-old when it comes to loving ice cream ;p )

I long to stare at the eyes that seem to discover all that i am, those eyes that makes me feel naked, though i'm not. And yet to overcome the shame of it all. Ill allow that person to look at me like that all over again.

Whats was wrong with what ive done, is that I let him stare at me endlessly and he got used to it that he no longer wants to discover whats left of me. Thats what hard about loving... its like drinking alcohol for the 1st time. You never know you're drunk till u aleardy passed out...and whats left of you the next day, are headaches and hangovers and blurred memories of what used to be.

it ain't over til its over.
lets dwell in drunkeness forever....

2006-04-11T09:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday all my troubles seemed so faaaaaaaaaaaar away. hehehe :) my face laughs, my heart aches. awwwwwwwwwwwww.... this thing abt not communicating to him to make him realize how much he has taken me for granted is like trying to drown in the dead sea.

i woke up this morning and i checked my fone, hoping that he texted. or at least somebody did. where's everyone? hmmmmmmmm...nobody texted me. its been 4 days i havent made any move, and i feel awful... he doesnt seem to communicate too (except last sunday) im afraid that if i make a move, i will FOREVER be taken for granted (i wont allow that) Is this the end?

A famous line in a song echoes in my head, "you only get what u give"... where have i gone wrong? i dont think i deserve to be ignored... ever. ive been good to him... i guess some people just appreciate another if theyve lost him/her already.

he's losing me bit by bit and what stings is that he's "too busy" to notice.

2006-04-05T11:53:00.000+08:00

Your Personality Profile

You are nurturing, kind, and lucky.
Like mother nature, you want to help everyone.
You are good at keeping secrets and tend to be secretive.

A seeker of harmony, you are a natural peacemaker.
You are good natured and people enjoy your company.
You put people at ease and make them feel at home with you.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

2006-04-05T11:43:00.000+08:00

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person.
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

2006-04-04T18:14:00.000+08:00

ive been watching the whole 1st season of one tree hill (ive been soooooo deprived) anyways, its nice. but one thing i realized, is that u should not watch it on a marathon (like what i always do)... meanings get loose and u simply miss out on some points. wala lang. i wonder what am i gonna do for the 8 weeks of my vacation? dont know. just wanna spend time at home, sometime with my friends..........and what else... paint, draw, write, read read read all the good books ive missed. m reading gabriel garcia marquez now, and an alexander dumas book that i half-read when i was in high school ;p

its weird, what mattered to me when i was younger doesnt matter as much to me now... is this what getting old is all about? hmmmmmmmm... oh well. life goes on.

2006-03-23T14:42:00.000+08:00

4 days to go and its over!!!!!!
wooohooooo summer na.

the past two weeks have been hellish for me.
toxic toxic toxic!

i missed bloggin!

2006-03-02T12:36:00.000+08:00

last night i was with nina, peimon, wena and mel. We went to coffee bean at t morato to have some coffee and study nadin. this is my 2nd attempt tp study for pharma. hay. i only finished one handout thyroid drugs pa... hay, i wish i wont be sooo dead with tomorrow's exam. sana wala nang exam for anti-neoplastic!!!!

im so lucky today coz i woke up late 7:30am i was tooo sleepy to get up so i didnt go to sch for my cp integ class, bahala na si batman! pero what happened was, the class was canceled for no reason!!!! wooooooooooooooohooooooooooo! ;p pero syang, i didnt get a glimpse of dr lopez. hwek hwek!

i'm in school now. i didnt attend neuro (not that im lazy pero mejo) kasi i was 35 mins late and im embarrassed to go inside the lec hall. what is it with me and getting late??? hmmm, cguro its so psychological, coz when i was small, (i lived in rizal) i go to school early coz my mom wake's my up 4:30 am. (i go to st paul pasif btw) sooo mejo malayo. i got used to sleeping in tha car and my driver wakes me up nalang when we're in school na.

after 6 years of living independently, (without my mom to wake me up) i guess i havent really adjusted yet. hmmmm, or is it just the thought of my school bein near that makes me take a bath longer than i should? ;p hmmmmmmm, answer is! DALAGA NA KO. hwek hwek. kiddin.

hmmmmmmm, i have a new blog topic! i thought of this last night. i think there's no such thing as being sad. its only a combination of lack of happiness, and yearning for it at the same time... which makes it a state of mind.

oh well, last night, i kinda lacked happiness coz my bf forgot out monthsary (26th month!!!!! cguro he forgot about it like 20 times na.... wait lang

2006-02-28T11:30:00.000+08:00

this is a very interesting article :) enjoy

Love is the drug
Romance may be tied to reward system that can cause addiction
By Rhonda Grayson
CNN

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 Posted: 1705 GMT (0105 HKT)

Researchers say that romantic love triggers reward centers in the brain.

Doing something novel triggers dopamine in the brain, which stimulates feelings of attraction.

And stare into your partner's eyes. Psychologist Art Aron conducted an experiment in which he had pairs of the opposite sex stare into each other's eyes for about two minutes. Most of the couples who were strangers reported feelings of attraction. One couple went on to get married.

It's an intense craving for the person they adore. But just how does the brain process romantic love?

Anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of "Why We Love," studied the brain circuitry that makes falling in love the intense, passionate emotion it is. She found that the brain sees romantic love as a reward, stimulating activity in the same areas that light up when a person seeks any kind of a reward, whether it's chocolate, money or drugs.

"It became apparent to me that romantic love was a drive -- a drive as strong as thirst, as hunger. People live for love, they kill for love, they die for love, they sing about love," Fisher said.

"There are myths and legends about love. The oldest love poetry is over 4,000 years old. The world is littered with all kinds of artifacts that stem from this basic mating drive."

Fisher went on a quest to unravel the mystery of the brain in love. She teamed up with Art Aron, a psychologist and professor at Stony Brook University in New York and Lucy Brown, a professor in neurology and neuroscience at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

They studied 17 people who recently had fallen madly in love -- people who were spending 80 percent of their waking hours not being able to think of anybody else. The subjects had been in love an average of seven months.

The findings were published last year in the Journal of Neurophysiology.

For the study, Fisher developed a questionnaire about passionate love, including such questions as "Would you die for your partner?" She said she was shocked by the answers to that query: All of the subjects said they would.

What especially surprised her was the casual way in which they responded.

The participants were put into an MRI machine and asked to stare at photographs of their sweethearts and then neutral photos that called for no positive or negative feelings. When the researchers were able to look inside the brain in love, they said they were struck by the results.

The part of the brain that lit up the strongest was that associated with rewards and pleasure, a finding not nearly as poetic as romantics would have thought. It turns out that, to the brain, love is just another reward, much like chocolate or money, or like a drug to an addict. This brain system gets used every time you want something.

Romantic love, it turns out, is a reward, the researchers say.

"We certainly think of romantic love as something that's magical, and the magic is here and here," Brown said, pointing to the part of the brain that lit up during the experiment, the brain stem region known as the ventral tegmental area. There, pigmented cells known to contain dopamine send messages to a part of the brain called the caudate nucleus.

When Brown started the study, she said she thought she was studying a strong positive emotion.

"Now I have changed the way I think about early-stage romantic love," she said. "It's a motivation; the person [we're in love with] is a goal. Emotions come and go. We feel euphoria, but we feel anxiety, too. This core system that is driving the person who is in love toward their sweetheart, that is much more important in a sense than an emotion."

Aron added, "When you're intensely in love, and especially if it's being reciprocated, there is an incredible sense of exhilaration. You feel this person is the most wonderful person in the world, and if they were part of you -- if you were together -- your life would be perfect."

Fisher agreed: "Romantic love is not only an emotion, it's a basic mating drive, and it's stronger than the sex drive."

Although the early characteristics of romantic love don't last forever -- the pounding heart, the obsessive thinking and craving -- in good relationships they will transfer to a different level, a stage of love called "attachment," Fisher said.

In her own studies of more than 800 people older than 45, Fisher found that they showed just as much romantic passion as those under 25.

In fact, romantic love can be triggered at any age. Fisher said she interviewed an 8-year-old boy who perfectly described his intense passion for an 8-year-old girl. She said she also knows couples in their 70s and 80s who are madly in love.

When asked if placing love under a microscope takes away some of the mystery and romance, Fisher smiled.

"You can know every ingredient in a piece of chocolate cake, and you still sit down and eat that chocolate cake and it's wonderful," she said. "In the same way, you can know all the ingredients of romantic love and still feel that passion."

2006-02-21T16:22:00.000+08:00

ive been soo dizzy the entire day

7am patho post test, slept through forensic pathology
12 lunch with nat at the hosp. so full and sleepy
1am ob lecture with dra lee.... i spent the last 15 mins sleeping...
2am med... my patient is a nyc,old guy. :)

wala lang...

hmmmm, what's the worst way to miss someone? wala just a thought.

2006-02-18T21:32:00.000+08:00

i'm watchin saturday night live right now...kinda funny n relaxin' really... oh well, my mind is filled of thoughts as usual. ee cummings (one of my favorite poets) drives me crazy ones again. There's this side of me that once made me wonder, what would life be if i werent in med school? (not that i hate med sch, but i just have my moments) i guess i would be in law school...or....possible workin already right now... i was thinking, would i be a different person? well, i guess not really.... i'd only have a different perspective in life. there is so much in life that i'd want to conquer...i wanna travel.. go to europe, africa.... and maybe, north america... i find the places kinda interesting... i also wanna draw more, paint more. ( i miss painting ever if im not so good w/ brushes) makes me discover so much moreabout myself. i miss my high school friends, and my college friends too... i hope we'll have a reunion someday...

i'm bein so weird... is this the effect of beta-blockers? hwek hwek... i just took my metoprolol 15 mins ago... i'm still hoping that the cause of my hypertension will be determined soon... was it bec of my lymphocytic thyroiditis? (which is so rare i dunno hw in the world did i get it) or do i have pheochromocytoma? whats worse if if i have sle or any collagen disease or autoimmune disease...i dont have symptoms though... whats so hard abt getting sick when ur in med school is everyday im being faced with the torture of constantly hearing abt the effects of hypertension and what nots.... i hope everything wil be fine................ after all the stressful ancillaries, and my fnab......

i hope ill get well soon...

life is really complicated...

wen i was young, i thought everything s easy...
now that im getting older,
things are getting more n more complicated.

falling in love...
getting sick...
watchin my family break loose...

all i can do is be silent...and type...and watch saturday night live.

2006-02-16T11:18:00.000+08:00

i was just browsing thru the net when i saw a nice wedding pic, and suddenly i thought of my own "wedding" ceremony.... well, honestly, before i didnt wanna get married (not that i do now) but i dont really get to think of it. i guess, it was just my fear eating me. endless stories about broken marriages and unhappy endings are scary for me. i dont wanna be a "separada".

well anyways, wala lang. if ever i get married, i want it to be a simple one. a very simple, yet elegant wedding :) ang question lang... "with whom?!" hehe oh well....

i dnt wanna answer that muna

2006-02-14T09:35:00.000+08:00

The History of Valentine's Day

Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday? The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It's no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

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2006-02-13T13:22:00.000+08:00

Puppies For Sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about Nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he Felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the Eyes of a little boy.
Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer.
And with that he let out a whistle,"Here,Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this One noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself To a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need Someone who understands."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

2006-02-08T14:17:00.000+08:00

Jealousy is the act of turning away your head toward's somebody who intimidates you.

i think this is real jealousy.

anyways, wala lang :)

2006-02-05T18:02:00.000+08:00

whoever was not shocked with what happened yesterday at ultra must have a heart of stone.

Yesterday, 71 poor people died in a stampede in front of ultra coz all of them wanted to gain entrance for the celebration of wowowee's 1st anniversary. grabe, d ko alam kung anong magiging reaction ko, but i felt so devastated. Is life really that hard nowadays? I know it is, but i havent realized it so much coz i'm so jailed within the confines of the medicine building or UST area. (not that im studying)

It such a sad thought that our 71 of our countrymen had to die just to fight their way to luck. Ibang klase na talaga ang buhay ngayon. Sobrang hirap. That incident put tears to my eyes. d ko alam y, im not really the crybaby type, but i did.

I felt luckier and more moved to do whatever i can to help people wherever i go, may it be as simple as a smile or as big as giving money. To give or not to give? Sometimes i dont give alms to those people who look as if theyre capable naman of working coz it makes me feel as if im tolerating their laziness... pero sa bagay, minsan d rin natin alam.

:( im still kinda sad over what happened. I hope it will never happen again. May those souls who passed away in search for luck, find true wealth in God's presence.

2006-02-02T11:49:00.000+08:00

space in a rock!

On December 22nd 1998 (give or take a day) the Boston Globe published an article entitled "Planetary Demotion", which suggested that Pluto might be downgraded to a normal asteroid in the near future by decision of the IAU. This article has caused a lot of interest internationally. In fact, what was being debated really was how to mark the numbering of asteroid number 10 000.

contrary to what dr.cruz said abt pluto bein an asteroid, well it not yet proven anyways.

What would the reasons be for down-grading Pluto? Even for those emotionally tied to it as a planet, they are fairly convincing. It is now known that the mass of Pluto is only about one fifth of the mass of the Moon and, as such, it is very hard to claim that Pluto really is a planet. However, this still means that its mass is about 1.5x1022kg - about a dozen times the mass of Ceres, the largest asteroid. In fact, of the known TNOs, Pluto is still about a factor of 100 more massive than any other, apart from its satellite Charon and Charon is, by far, the second largest known TNO

wala lang. i just found it interesting. ive always been fascinated with the celestial body since i was in grade school. this is quite cheesy but whenever i go home to rizal, i go to the garden and i gaze at the multitudes of tiny lights that seem to make our world smaller. our imagination has been challenged by the pictures of the planets in our grade school books and encyclopedias, and sadly most of our imaginations never evolved from what we were thought...so i tried to imagine, what if the earth, being relative to the other "planets" "asteroids" "stars" "meteors" "comets" were just like the human cell, then the universe could have been one organ or part of the human (well not really human) organismic (ahem , wala akong maisip na word) body.

we have always baffled ourselves with question just like three-year-olds debating how the sky turned blue, or how airplanes fly. i was just wondering, probably there so many secrets behing the "universe" that we were born with.

oh well its just a thought.

well more abt pluto.... the debate abt pluto bein a planet/ asteroid is bec of its unusual size and orbit. hehe un lang

2006-02-01T12:15:00.000+08:00

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.
So all we have to do is love the people who treat us right,
forget about the ones to don't,
and believe that everything happens for a reason.

Know a good thing when we see it, and don't let it slip away
If we get the chance, take it.
If it changes our lives, let it...
Nobody said that it would have to be easy,
they just said that it will all be worth it...

2006-01-31T11:32:00.000+08:00

i had a dream 2 nights ago...

its one of the weirdest dreams ever... my 1st bf (of course he's an ex) have hsv 2 daw! and he's soooo depressed that he had to turn to me for comfort... weird talaga. i havent seen him for how many months na and all of a sudden, i dream about him... oh well... just curious what the dream meant. so i'm gonna search it. ;p (hehehe tama to, FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 ANDITO BF KO!!!! HE SAW WHAT I WAS TYPING ABOUT!!!! FUCK TALAGA!!!! OMG!

anyways, cool cool.

fuck. impulse ko un itago to eh. xempre, secret blog ko to eh. anyways, abt the dream ulet.

Sick Upset. Unwell. Part of yourself is ready to be healed.

Crying Emotional release. Grief. Domestic trials are on the way. Emotions need to be released.

http://www.petrix.com/dreams/a.html

this is the closest i could find. actually m kinda disturbed coz of what happened. he walked out. hay.

2006-01-30T13:32:00.000+08:00

i have a new skin people!
what do u think?! ;p

2006-01-27T14:44:00.000+08:00

i cant wait to have my 1st cup of coffee for today. i stopped drinking coffee last month kse.... *secret* so im drinkin healthy drinks instead like tea for my sympathies ;p anyways, its friday and i wont be going home (again). i'm too tired to go out. fudge. im gettin older na talaga :( waaaaah.

anyway, im gonna invite one of my girlfriends to watch a movie tonight or im gonna sleep and get lots of rest... lately i discovered a lot about myself. thanks to tickle. hehhe that my hollywood counterpart was winona. naks. hehehehe ;p

anyways gonna do my tickle muna.

2006-01-25T15:11:00.000+08:00

watchin several episodes of house made me realize something last night.
It's so easy to die than to live. there are so many simple/seemingly insignificant moments that could easily make us sick and unwell. wala lang. freaky pero it made me realize that everyday in our lives is indeed a miracle. :)

just like a drop of water hanging from the faucet,
we wait everyday until we finally fall
wherever it may take us.

2006-01-23T13:15:00.000+08:00

what can't kill you only makes u stronger.

Last nite, i was watching reality tv with humhum... it was about doctors (hehe) setting: US. a guy went to the hospital due to abd pains, vommiting, nausea, diarrhea... for quite sometime the doctors thought it was viral, but he was unresponsive to acyclovir, ribavirin and the like. he's married. has 3 kids. he was brought in by his wife.

the doctors were clueless regarding his diagnosis...they tried giving him an antibiotic and it kinda stabilized him.... he was discharged even if the mds dont have any diagnosis... he cameback to the er a few hours later wth the same symptoms... still doctors were clueless..

until, he was asked abt his marital relationship. he's goin thru a divorce.... well, that didnt really help with uncovering his diagnosis (but this will be pertinent later, promise) he was discharged again and was maintained on a gluten-free diet... he abided for quite sometime and he got better. but he couldnt believe that he was allergic to gluten so he tried eating small amts of bread...and hence, admission.
same cycle. he was discharged and now, was more convinced that he has allergies.

one time he was brushing his teeth when he noticed so many empty packages of ho hum i forgot what it was called. basta un, he was curious abt it and he confronted his wife. his wife had gone mad and he called up the hospital and he managed to get his wife admitted into the psych ward.... they investigated the package and it was indeed, poison.... grabe noh????????

whatta pyscho.

anyways, like what i said, what can't kill u only makes u stronger.

oh by th way, the poisonous thang --- CASTOR BEANS.

what u thought can kill u, in fact only makes u stronger...
and sometimes, what u think makes u stronger...actually kills u.

2006-01-06T11:06:00.000+08:00

Burning

Just when you think it's helping.... it's actually killing you.

I remember when i was young, about 6 years old, and my lungs are still virgin, ;p i always see my dad smoking and i despised the stingky aroma of tobacco. I even went to the extent of hiding my father's ream coz that's how much i disliked sticks.

That's my first touch of Marlboro reds... Ho hum!

Name any brand of cigartte manufactured before 2000, i've tried it! tsktsktsk... and now, my 10-pack year of smoking history is finally ending (really!)

What's hard about it is it actually has become a part of my lifestyle... without me even knowing et... before, i used to say that i only smoke whenever i'm badtrip or sad... and then stressful...and then whenever i'm thinkin hard.... and then while im talking to someone i find intresting to talk to.... and then when im happy.... and while taking a bath...while drinking coffee... name it. i have become and addict. a slave...

now... i wont deny that nicotine still runs in my blood, pero less na.

i'm not a slave anymore...

just somebody who likes to smoke ONCE IN AWHILE.

you never really get to realize how much u change til u get shocked out of your apathy coz something big awaits you.

2006-01-05T11:37:00.000+08:00

Less is more.

Insomia made me a couch potato before i fall asleep.
I was watchin one of those discovery segments of "house to home"
its really a nice show if ur into interior designing and architecture design.
pero they said something quite unexpected.. Less is more.

Kaboom! all thoughts of the past flooded my mind as if they were footprints in the sand...leavin' a mark. its true...when u have less clutter in ur life, u'll find more room to grow...rest annd relax... nice huh?

anyways, last nite, while i was havin a good time with my friends, somebody texted me. he "made" this quote daw for me... sooo touching. here goes: "Life has its own way of telling us who to be with and who not to be with...People come and go in our journey....some will be there coz of the true meaning of love...some because they thought they have found love...others will be there because they want to be loved.. Nonetheless, i would be there for u not because i'm looking but because i want to live in love.... " --- un. so touching!!!! :) really made me smile.

anyways, got nothing much to say really. ;p

2005-12-16T13:17:00.000+08:00

Everybody's Changing

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

2005-12-16T12:48:00.000+08:00

Tensionado.

My life is an adventure.

Yesterday, i didn't come to class...not because i was lazy (pero ok lang din hehe :) ) but because i was rushed to the ER around 3am. rewind rewind.

uno scenario
12:30 am : was tryin to read katzung (serious!) coz i gave up deciphering the long run-on sentences of the anesthesia h.out... ebs brought me some raspberry capuccino (raspberry's my fave) and while on the way to my room, (4th floor) i was gulping down the coffee already :) yumyum it was like eating strawberry and muchin on dark chocolate at the same time.... so when i reached my room....tada! mauubos na pala. hahaha. pero wait...... parang i couldn't breathe... patay.

i lied down. texted u-know-who and he-who-must-not-be-named.... i was seeking for comfort.... shet. i was tachypneic...was tryin to breath so i calmed myself down by closing my eyes.

1:30 am it seemed like i was running out of breath. i asked my roomy to get my bp (she woke up already) it was 160 over 100....tsktsktsk tensionado. exagg. it was my highest bp ever. it was my 5th hypertensive episode...and the worst one.

2am was prompting myself to sitting position..... i couldnt possibly sleep. i was in respiratory distress... i was calling u-know-who 21 times already but he can't be reached. i called up jj, he asked me to call glen. glen picked me up, we were supposed to go to the er straight but somethin inside me told me that i should go to the fh....we went there....wen i got to his room...he wasn't there.

talk about tension rising....grabe.

i called up claire....asked her if she was still with him...wala daw...
miraculously, ebs' line suddenly ringed...whatta coincidence diba.

ho hum! he heard wat he deserved. i demanded for him to go sa fh and im giving him 15 mins to explain....if he doesnt show up in 15 mins, its over...and i meant that.

so here he comes with his -sha-pa-ang-may-gana-magalit look. tsktsk my bp was 160 over 120 and my rr was worsening....i was cryin. i dont know what i was supposed to feel.

i felt betrayed. i felt alone. but i had no choice but to rely on him. and so i did.

that faithful 3am, he brought me to the er...i was gven felodipine...and 4hours later, my bp gradually dropped to 130 over 100...i was advised to go see a cardiologist...

so here i am...waiting at the lru...i have to see yami's mom.

i'm hoping that i'm not too sick.

tensionado lang.

2005-12-14T14:13:00.000+08:00

What i want for christmas is ........

hehehe. nothing. not that i couldn't think of anything but i just wanna stay at home and have a nice dinner with my family :) i hope my mom gets here really soon. i miss her :(

funny. i didn't do anything last night. as in NADA. i didn't read any book or i didn't even go out. nothing's wrong with me :) i just got too touched yesterday. yesterday was one of the most magical days of my life. its like living inside the pages of "the alchemist"........coelho... the universe conspires with you....pero for me, if u want the universe to conspire, you should also learn to conspire with the universe. you don't wait til forever for things to happen. you make the 1st move.

you never really realize how fortunate you are until you see someone who's soooo much less fortunate. its a common mind-set na that people go blind with whatever they see...people are so numb with the miracles of daily living. they just live like machines and go off like one also. sad.....depressing.

everyday is indeed a miracle...only if we concentrate on certain things that we're supposed to really appreciate. sometimes you have to stop and smell the flowers.... BLOOM WHERE YOU WERE PLANTED.

when i was in grade school,i was taught to be kind and courteous especially to the elderly... it took me oh so long to realize how important that was... yesterday i saw this super old lady (80ish) and she was selling fans. actually this is the 2nd time i saw her. but i was moved even more now. she was in front of burger king carrying all the abanicos that she's selling. she has sever scoliosis probably due to an underlying bone dse maybe osteoporosis.....surrounding her were college students of the royal and pontifical and only catholic university in asia, UST. no one dared to help her and they were just too god damned engaged in their useless talks to even notice her.......my gosh..what's happening to the world?! HELLO EARTH! just seeing her and being able to converse with her was a miracle for me.

iba na talaga ang mundo ngayon. i expect so much more from educated people. do u really need to be educated to help someone like that? i dont think so. its human nature. its an instinct. its like getting hungry, and eating something afterwards.

whatever happened to what they learned in school? grabe. this world is turning into something else. evolution na ba to? if it is evolution of principles and dogmas, fuck. i wish id die sooner.

the universe conspires....oh so true.
but it wont recognize that ur human unless u act like one.

What's the difference of a person and a dog seeing a sickly old woman (trying to earn a decent living)?
the dog can ignore or stay beside her or do nothing at all.
the person SHOULD be human enough to help out the old lady or do something about it.

but what i saw yesterday was a place full of dogs...
all of them looked the same.

2005-12-13T12:08:00.000+08:00

Bathrooms!

i love bathrooms (especially if they're really nice)
but i hate ust washrooms. ewwwwwww!
i think if im gonna have a place of my own...i mean own house talaga (no roooooomies)
this would be the nicest room!

its a haven of release ;p

here's one nice design that i really like for my own place :) take a peek!

nice huh?! there's a combination of nostalgia and modern look :) cute noh... anyways, is sooooooooo dreamy today even if i had a bad start. hehehe :)

anyways, what do u think?!

2005-12-12T12:01:00.000+08:00

I had a great weekend!!!! super happy weekend :)
shopping shopping! i really love shopping! who doesn't? ;p

anyways, i'm kinda in a hurry right now.
i have a quizzy in prev med pero havent read about it yet
wahooooooo! crammin' time again.

i have a blog topic na in mind pero later na...

i got senti last nite...
i didnt know why but after havin a date with robbins
and after a few mugs of coffee thereafter
and a few smokin pipes.......

life is such a metaphor.

only a few people figure it out.

:p time to do some readin'

2005-12-09T14:48:00.000+08:00

FRIDAY BOREDOM

its friday today. realized lang during pedia time.
have nothing to do. i'm in a bad mood again.
pharma is okay.

but

i don't have sundo :(

what a cranky way to end the week :(

2005-12-09T08:10:00.000+08:00

Drugged

I think i had an overdose of drugs yday :)
WHOOPS. before u think otherwise, it was all about tryin to remember their names.
i have 2 favorite group of antibiotics! ---> FLUOROQUINOLONES and SULFONAMIDES ;P
(whatta nerdy thing to be happy about!) hahahaha. anyway, the flying gagamba was back again last night :( so scary!!!! and irritating at that. and i realized somebody else is really really more irritating.

what can i say? lack of manners. in tagalog. KUPAL.

hahahha i was fashionably late again for class today. 47 minutes. woohoo! its a good thing we didn't do much but just to listen to mario's report (which was actually very well said *clap*clap*) nainspire ata akong magdrug monitoring! wahahahah ;p

anyways, i woke up this morning kinda on the wrong side of the bed. coz somebody is really really really getting on my nerves as usual. hay.

id rather live with an incy wincy next year talaga! one last major move nalang im gonna get rid of that worse-than-incy creature.

my coffee was great this morning...bute nalang that compensated for that irritating muchaha. carrot raisin loaf was good too that's why im in a good mood. :)

i realized somethin last nyt (again)

i shouldn't be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo affected na with oher people. (actually i really am affected only with people that i care so much about!)

speaking of...my great great great cutie and lovable and kissable and huggable brother texted meeeeh :) what could ruin my day? NOTHING. a text from him is like walking on the moon. nakanampuch. he's so cute and pikon. i love him.

he texted me, "love is all about timing. It is of no use meeting the person, too soon or too late..." - Chow-Mo-Wan.

fudge...what an inspiring thingie from my cute and lovely and kissable and huggable baby brother! (i hope he's not in love yet though!!!! :( )

well well. time to cram for my pharma druggie exam ;p

2005-12-07T11:39:00.000+08:00

Roses are red, violets are blue
sugar is sweet
AND MY BLOG IS NEW.

;p hope u liked it.
soooooooooobra scariest night of my life last night.....
i've never been happier din about my katzung ;p

i'm soooooooooo tryd. i'll cram for OB muna.

later.

hope some people wouldn't make out so much out of nothing.

2005-12-05T13:04:00.000+08:00

...i guess
love is
constant cycle of
letting go, and acceptance....

TAGAYTAY LIGHTS

:) parang marloboro lights ;p
nyahahaha ;p anyways, i went to tagaytay last sat with bf ;p
finally

i realized something....

People change every so often, and when you love someone, you just have to learn how to accept him through time. You learn to love when you choose to gather enough courage to let go of what that person used to be, and have faith with what the changes may bring.. Its a cycle of letting go, and acceptance.

Eventually, you learn to give up your dreams and aspirations of a perfect person. You learn to overlook that harsh reality of life that was once concealed by what we used to know. If you only want to indulge in happiness and eternal bliss, then i think you're supposed to forget that you'll ever find love..The truth is, its just within you......and you just have to be strong enough to give it away.

Love does not only encompass what can be understood by many. Its peculiarity lies in the idea that everyone tries to prepare for it, when in fact, you can never prepare for whatever it may bring you.

So, did i ever love my ex's?

I guess i did. but i choose to love myself a little bit more.

2005-12-02T14:31:00.000+08:00

FRIDAY BLOOM

Kaboom! wassup wassup?
can't think of anything to say ehehehehe
just finished this hellish day in school...pharma quiz, pedia examzzzzzzzzzzz
tsktsktsk ;p just got lucky! yahoo. nyaps ang labo.

last nite in between reading my forlorn photocopies of handouts, (that seemed like it was from the 1958) hehehe, i was contemplatin again. oh my gosh! so many people missed me last nite...c faye, emman and someone...

but the one that really mattered to me...
forgot to even text me good night
that he went to a coffeeshop (i dont even know where)
that he's home na...

dang. why do i have to put up with such a forgetful boyfriend? someone who can't forget the childish stories of japanese anime, yet he forgets my birthday, our monthsary....and worse, even me.

fishies are swimming
roses are red
but not quite

its kinda makin sense to me last night that maybe he's not really mature enough for me....i was sooooooooooooo sooooooooooo badtrip again. talk about a hellish night of bein tired from sch, and havin a bf to deal with! EFFORT!!!!!

and then i remembered, once i told someone, "life is a matter of letting things go..." i guess i wasnt quite true to my word. its so easy said than done. so i succumbed to rest...and coz i knew it was only in my dreams that i could ever let go of such pain (WAHOOOOOOOOO!so drama huh?)

i woke up almost 3 hours after..mom's calling to ask me something.

the nightmare its over.
i had to wake myself up to start anew.

and so i burned some sticks
drank coffee
read my handouts again
and burned some more...

until somebody made me smile ;p

I'M NOT TELLING! I'M NOT TELLING!

;p he made me knda forget about things that bothered me.

ERGO: you can't quit me so quickly....there's no hope in you for me...

;p

2005-12-01T11:41:00.000+08:00

Relativity

Everything in life coincides with relativity...

last night, i had a date with nelson. Yooooooooohoooooooooo and as life's origins amazed me, i suddenly remembered einstein's theory of relativity. Its most likely that the fetal reflexes resulted from its relation to any maternal influence such as movement, emotion, social etc etc.... it's just amazing that even the unborn has experienced life, only in another world... "a mother's womb"

So what's the big deal with bein born?

Bein born to this life does not exclude us from reacting to the world in relation to its obscurities. so in a sense, we might have felt "unborn" but of course firguratively. The difference lies in the fact that we can choose whether to habituate or react as if each stimuli, is our first encounter.

in love:
i was just thinking that before after bein sooooooooo hurt with my ex, i said that "ill never do those things for anybody anymore". so i had the option to adapt or to start all over again.

in school:
People always habituate with failures. Some get really depressed after a 5pointquiz in micro, but some even fail an entire semester of subjects, yet evoking minimal responses.

MEN, ANG LABO KO NAH.

the point that i'm trying to drive at is that Einstein's famous theory doesn't only apply to physics (time space warp ngayon din! hehehe) but also in everyday life too.

Those have mastered the art of habituation become numb.
Those who choose to encounter each situation as if it were the 1st time
lives life to the fullest...or foolest?!

pedia s interesting.
and so is my life.

hung?!

dig this

For two lovers goin on a date, time passes by in seconds.
but for a girl who waits for a guy to love her, a life time passes by.
that's relativity.

2005-11-30T14:20:00.000+08:00

Yahooooooooo isn't it great when you do somethin great with exerting too much effort?!?!?!?! yahoooooooooo! 1st time to ah. bute nalang i enjoyed myself last night and i didn't get OC over that ob quiz!!!! anyways, i watched the premiere of a french film entitled, "joyeux noel". cheeeesy title huh??? pero the theme was really great. the story speaks of how three battling nations managed to find peace amidst the war..... asteeg. it was a true story by the way that's why its sooo touchin! though it seemed great, the story was made is such a way that it lacks depth and polarity...parang the denounement was sooo abrupt and you get this feeling that the ending was kinda hurried. anyways, too bad din its gonna be released pa sa US on february....tsktsktsk...kinda out of season na talaga.

anwyays, enough with the movie. hay im sooo badtrip with my insomiac episode last night.it was soooo uncalled for coz i really wanted to rest. yan tuloy i ended up sleepin late wakin up late at crammin for ob as usual. hehehe!

anyways, last nite during my one thousand and one sheep-counting moments...faye texted me..."Loving a person doesn't need a criteria, kse once you fall in love, you take the risk of accepting the person. You dont need to find the answer kung baket mo siya mahal.Kse lahat nagbabago...but if you accept that person,magbago man sha in the middle of the relationship,di ka masasaktan kse tanggap mo sha ng buo. Mahirap gawin pero masarap subukan dahil wala ng sasaya pa if you let that one person deel na mahal na mahal mo sha without asking for anything in return.Then u can say na wow un pala and love!" ----------fudge. i didn't know what to say when i read this. talk about me beeeeein so speechless (while countin sheep) hehhe. tinamaan talaga ako. so maybe, there's hope for me pala talaga.

well well well...i'm thinkin of somebody from my past now. ang weird....all the memories are kinda blurry in my head.?! well cguro there's nothin really much to reminisce and remember when ur sooo over and done with them anymore. i was thinking... am i really supposed to be with my ex's or is it ok if i just ditch them and live as if they never existed?! "live and let live" hehehe.

goooooooosh! lapet na ng christmas!!!! there are so many things i wanna do... i wanna drink wine at a hotel...listen to good music...classical...... fudge. the thought hit me... if i really get kinda well-off when i get older....i wanna live in a hotel penthouse cguro ;p it'll be fun...pero i want my own house din...pero if i end up livin alone...i can have both. :) ung house, rest house by the beach!!! fudge! thats gonna be soooooo nice.

ang corny ko. in the middle of the people here in lru nagddaydream ako. actually, gusto ko uminom ng wine. ang sarap eh. especially white wine...ok lang din un boone's. parang juice :) day dreamin day dreamin! feels soooo gooood parang i'm floating lang... wala nang drama! well well, i guess i'm starting to stop (ironic huh?) thinking about my love life all the time...hehehe i'm happier now. ;p and i'm starting to smile again. :)

FOREVER HAS LASTED TOO LONG.

2005-11-29T16:37:00.000+08:00

Punch drunk Love

There are some people who meet that somebody they can stop loving, no matter how hard they try.
I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that dont go away...and maybe that makes them crazy,
but we should all be lucky to end up with that sumbody who has a little of that insanity.
Somebody who'll never let us go, somebody who cherishes u forever...

nako ang bait bait talaga ng mga kaibigan ko. tsktsk....lakas tama! lecheng love yan! asssssssssssuuuuuuus!

anyways, i was soooooooo stupid last night. shempre, i was, as usual, in my "psychotic state" when i thought of drinking wine.... yezzzz boone's ;p white.
love it. sarap.

peor i thought it'll make me forget..........it only made the emptiness seem as is there's something there....tsktsktsk...at least it made me sleep. :) nice. swabeh. no hangovers or whatsoever.

actually, i don't have anything to share that much from now on! hmph! i just realized that there's more to life that just rambling and thinking about my love life. (yeah like readin nelson naman) i guess i just forgot how its like to be alone. i used to be alone naman so i guess i can handle things.

a good friend of mine made me realize somethin after lunch.... i dont know why pero i guess i'm kinda selfish really... dang. pero kenneth was tellin me last saturday night na what i feel is normal. everyone wants to be in love. maybe im just thinkin more about it than im supposed to. but anyways, change topic na nga!

I'm boycotting nestle!
tsktsktsk i know im such a coffee addict but from now on, no more nescafe for me! im boycottin dem coz they're so cruel to their workers! imagine!!!!!!! 3 years (or more) na ata sila on strike. they're just demandin only a little of justice that they're supposed to have to begin with....and yet all these crazy-already-mayaman na people just wants to really get on top of the pyramid.... may araw din kayo...hahahha im really affected huh?

well well what else? i guess nothing much. i just wanna draw the thin line that i have erased almost 2 years ago....

2005-11-26T04:42:00.000+08:00

somebody texted me this early morning.. "One day we wake up fallin in love with a wrong person in a wrong time and place..But one day, we realize that its not the person,time and place that is wrong..but our expectation of a perfect love story.." dang... hits me big time. maybe to begin with i have this personality na perfectionist...once i put effort into something, i expect things to go so well like the way i want them to... and of course, i'm no god. most of the time, life catches me with so many surprises that i never thought of in the first place.

But its really a mental torture.. i'm the type of person who wants to know whats gonna happen to me in the future. not that i hate surprises, but i hate drastic changes in my life. i wanna be prepared for everything....

actually, preparation is just psychological. nobody can ever be prepared for anything... the only thing that we could ever expect are the ones that we haven't thought of...Why do we find ourselves "stuck in a moment"? maybe because, we never really considered the importance of each and every second of our lives...especially in my fast-paced world...i barely have time to spare.

It's jolie's bday today......
it's just so weird that it suddenly hit me how old i am. shet. a couple of years from now, i'll be thirty...dang!!! 30 years from that, i'll be sixty...and i'll be gone...i'll be a memory. hahaha. ang drama ko talaga! bwahahah

anyways, kainis yang pharma na yan ah! the questions are soooooooooo hard. hehehe reklamador talaga ko minsan.

i miss faye.

i miss my high school friends.

dang. ganto ba talaga if ur in med sch? nababaliw? all i can do is just reminisce coz i dont have any memories to make anymore from now on?!?!?!?! wag naman. shet
bitter na naman ako. fuck dinedread ko un weekend...

......i dont have anyone to spend it with...

FUCK D NAMAN AKO GANTO DATI AH. im seriously beginnin to think that i have "attention-deficit disorder" in other words 'KULANG SA PANSIN' shet wala ng nagtetext saken. when i was in high school, i used to have a pager, (low-tech talaga dati) tapos i always get dozens of msgs! voice mail pa plus email! what the fuck???

hay.
this is the thing that happens when all you ever do is just listen the whole day and read. its fun naman sometimes pero sometimes din i just wanna talk..and have coffee (not alone)

i'm gettin' tired of bein alone.

2005-11-25T08:27:00.000+08:00

You cannot quit me so quickly

...The space between The tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.........

Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I've got all the time for you love

Fuck i'm hearin this song again..hits me really hard! long songs hit u hard when you're sooooo in love, or when you soooooo out of love. true true. malapet na weekend! pero come to think of it, who am i gonna spend it with?!!?!? hope my bro is at home or else "stuck in a moment" nanaman ako.

There's so much to say or do than think about love. but i love talking about love. its either i'm empty...or i'm soooo full of it..... more life full of it. this is sooo sappy but i can help but feel sad again. hay nako i get sadder and sadder everytime i go bloggin! happy thoughts happy thoughts! pero sa bagay, my day was ok naman.

cge c crushie nalang. this is rubbish pero i dont know y all of a sudden kinikilig ako. shet. hay...ebs texted me. maggym daw sha later. its ok naman pero bt ganun...sometimes love goes wrong. as the song goes, how can the same love, that made u so happy, makes u so sad? hay. im gettin older. before i used to be concerned with chinese garter and jackstones...and then high school, friends naman....and now...love life. well well. i cant imagine myself havin a kid and thinkin all about my future husband and kid all the time when i hit the age of 30's..shet. d ko talaga maimagine. parang ayaw ko.

all i can say is that
hopefully

ill be a surgeon by then

and happy.

happy.
sometimes sad
but
happy.

2005-11-25T05:00:00.000+08:00

8 minutes

shet 8 mins nalang blogging time ko! bruha kse un computer guy from commerce eh ang bagal bagal magprint ng hx ko. pakshet yan tuloy. nadisorganize na thoughts ko.
Anyways, i'm having a good day. Cp integ was fine, ok naman un quiz. d mashado na-boljak, except that kulang with the slides...but i guess its ok. Virology is fine din. short lecture but deadly quiz pero my day is still so-so...

why am i looking for something wrong? i guess i got used to it. dang!

IVE GOT A CRUSHIE IVE GOT A CRUSHIE!!!!hahahahah ;p
crush stories end up bein crushed.

"love stories are all the same" - yeah yeah yeah. last nite i was askin dis married friend of mine if he's still in love with his wife...ampucha. shempre, not much really. tsktsktsk.

i was heart broken.

hope they patch things up..but how do u fall in love all over again? my besty told me that once in awhile couples should surprise each other...hmm, i do naman eh...except that it doesnt really work most of the time. some surprise huh? last nite i was havin the ultra-masungit-mood of my life...he didnt really try to cheer me up but he tried to bear with me...dang. it worked. kinda felt childish complaining about certain things.

oh well. atleast nothing really is makin me sad right now.

i had a date last nite.
it was with Harrison, Robbins and Bates.
whatta crock of shit. talk about nerdness. pero funny kse i enjoyed. it was like me getting inside the cell...nyek. hahahah. all my thoughts are jumbled na so i gotta go. time for OB.

fuck why do i always think of that person who's makin me smile right now..
jeez.

2005-11-23T05:00:00.000+08:00

The trouble with hello is goodbye.

i heard that song last night, and i found myself lost somewhere in between the lines...talk about gettin soooooo love sick...dang...i wanted to keep things to myself coz i noticed that lately, there's been a lot of confession on my part. even this blog is a whole new revelation on that side of me that wants to be hidden. i guess, its really hard falling in love...with the decision should come the confidence to fight for whatever's gonna happen.

i got sooooo depressed last night...i realized that i wasnt so happy anymore and yeah i've been sad for too long...i'm really kinda confused with this love-sick marathon every night. keeps me up nalang palagi. yeah yeah yeah im a hopeless romantic...or hopeless lang talaga?!

Last night i was textin with my college bestfriend...hayyyy and she was askin me about marriage and all that? What a crock of shit. ngayon pa talaga. dang. i dont wanna get married. i dont wanna have kids.

bitter....
bitter...
bitter.

but deep inside me, i'm waiting...
waiting to be loved.

bullshit.

i'm tired of waiting for nobody.

i'm so fuckin stupid!

tangna...the trouble with hello isn't goodbye...
its the transition from happiness to sadness that melts in between.

2005-11-22T06:00:00.000+08:00

Flying gagamba

Last nyt, i was sooo engrossed readin Robbin's (coz it was abt smokin) and then suddenly, a long-legged-flying spider flew over my study table! FUCK! panic attack!!! dang.

speakin of panics, i had another episode 2 hours before lunchtime...shockers. i was kinda scared of reportin for that pathophysio.... :( dami kseng saket eh. may cva na diabetic pa may congestive heart failure pa...and to sum it all up, anasarca. Yes. Chronic Kidney Disease. Patay tayo jan! yeah yeah yeah! fave ko talaga un renal topic pero dis is kinda challengin for me. my gulay! i havent checked my cel for like 2 hours....wahahhaha.

nyeta kanina lunch ang init sa labas. me, nat and bry went out to eat pero grrrrrr.... anyways, ok na ko now. ppl are helpin' me out na so im not so much of a paranoid anymore. speakin of paranoia, ive been sleepin for 2 consecutive classes na...not the entire lecture though pero the last minutes of both lectures. especially dr "you-know" 's class. hahahaha it was kinda interestin but i really cant help but doze off.. pero shockers. somethin kinda bothered me...i have symptoms of a bipolar...insomnia...initial and un second type..but not he terminal one. at least not schizo hehehe lucky me!?!

hay. badtrip i only have a few mins for my bloggin time. was busy fixin the report only to find out that dr marcial/carpio isnt around. great! anyways, i was happy the whole weekend. got to spend time w/ kabuts last fri nyt (he gave me flowers) ;p awwww hehehe. saw harry potter :) and bowled yday. old school huh?

hmmmm, this single-blessed thing has been on my mind for a long time na....oh well. what the fuck. i will wait padin naman til the water runs dry (naks.)

2005-11-19T08:38:00.000+08:00

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind

So when will this end it goes on and on.Over and over and over again. Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop. Till I step down from this for good

I'm obsessed...ive been spending each and every night after my bad "break up" wondering why i always feel my bliss sublime. dang. i always have this sorta immune mechanism on break-ups, cool offs whatever people may call it. looks pretty much the same to me.

Ever since he broke up with me/cool off (a couple of mins before my bday! huwwwwwwat?!), its like i've built this great wall of china around me already! seems like everytime i see him, there's just so much hesitancy...too many inhibitions... I never imagined i'd feel this way about him. Since i realized this yesterday, i kinda looked for a way to fight myself...i planned a surprise for him...was gonna give him "piglet" chocolates....dang...cheesy, but the cheesiest and corniest acts of showing affection are the sweetest indeed. mamatay nalang sa inggit ang iba. hahaha. i know deep inside him, he'll feel sorta happy rin. but my plan didn't work out. he's was so fuckin' busy (eventhough he's at rehab med lang) to drop by the LRU just to see me!!! dang. my "surprise" was hopeless. no, let me correct that. I'm hopeless.

Tangina. now he's gonna ask me why i'm cold? he even made such lousy excuses that he couldn't text me coz he didn't have load!!! Now, what kind of a summa cum jologs excuse is that?!?!?!??!!??! aaaaaargh....i retired early yday night coz i was restless the night before. Went home after class, and there i slept. no more thinkin' fuckin' hard before i went to bed. it's not gonna be worth it for someone who can't even think of a way just to text me. Am i askin' for too much? dang! i wish this bloggin thing could speak back to me now!!!!!

I used to tell me lovesick friends na, "you can hold on as long as you want to, just make sure that there's Somebody to hold on to..." makes sense right? pero now that i'm in the "love-sick" situation, i just couldn't let go of him that easily...tangina. i dont know if this is just a phase or is it really true that we've grown apart?!

I woke up 12am...tryin' to study for my pharma exam. with oh-soooooooo good music in the background and nobody's textin me....oh no. do i really have that KSP syndrome?!?!?!?!??! or was i just wishing that somehow he'd remember to text me?or somebody else would text me????? i wanted to run away from everything last night...i turned of my phone...and tried to concentrate on the anti-fungals and anti-virals that were much much more interesting than my love life....yeah. fuckin right. now i'm levelin' myself to that.

While memorizin the most bizzare and weirdo anti-fungals/anti-virals, i heard EWF singin' "After the love is gone.....how could you lead me on? When love is hard to fiiiiiiiind?" fuck. talk about bein hit (not by a lightning) but by a lightning and falling electrical post combined. :( m soooo sad. there were no tears though. i guess i ran out of tears cryin' during my birthday....

The only contradiction that happened to me last night was that despite all the sadness over my relationship, i was fantasizing again on an imaginary guy who'd fall for me....really hard. shempre, inspired by norah jones yung obsession na to over wishful thinkin'. i wonder if there's someone out there who'd care for me and love me sooooo much that even if i was in a mess, he'll understand me and wait for me to be okay and love me padin depite all my imperfections?!!?!? shet, hindi yata boyfriend hanap ko eh...tanga yata.

i'm sooooo confused right now. confused? hopeless? or maybe frustrated!!!!! it's like i'm slowly beginning to believe that there's nobody out there for me....parang its so impossible for men to be oh so faithful and lovin' and carin'. maybe i should just forget about daydreaming...oops wrong term....night-awake-dreaming...its such a fuckin sick cycle....i'm tired of it...i'm gonna give up the obsession of having somebody to take care of me til i get old....having somebody to love me so much.........kahet not even much....just somebody who'll LOVE ME. trully. oh well, this blog is about closing cycles.

2005-11-18T04:07:00.000+08:00

Sleepless nights

A
nother sleepless and restless night. woke up 11:30 pm...dang. wasnt able to get some zzzzzz's anymore. i'm not blamin' it on the caffeine. i only had one mug of coffee...i'm not blamin' it on cigarettes either...i only had...(nuninuninu) hehehe. basta i'm not blamin it on the cigarette. haha!

there's something about being sleepless that fascinates me...yeah yeah i'm kinda tired but it seemed like i'm able to concentrate harder and i feel more alive. maybe i just really don't like sleepin'. although i know that my body needs to reinvigorate, i still enjoy being a zombie........ hehehe... Sunset, sunrise...humhum.

i used to have this diary...its called a 'sunset, sunrise diary' coz i'm always up and i get to experience viewin the amazin beauty of the sunset and the sunrise...i know my place is far-fetched from a pent, but the view from my window is really nice....

makes me wonder...while the whole world is asleep...i'm up thinking endlessly about multitudes of topics...fantasies, things that i wanna do, people i wanna meet, and everything, anything i could think of... well well, most of it is just about love... nyahahahaha. i even thought about this freakin' dose-response curve for pain. hahaha! whatta crazy idea.

My dose-response curve for pain states that, given a certain infliction of pain, a person will respond like the way a bacterium grows (weird huh?) there's this log phase = No response, lag phase= minimal, little response, and Exponential phase = Maximal response.

hahaha! talk about geekiness mixed with my punch-drunk-love state! harharhar... freakin' nice song..."Come Away with Me" by Norah Jones...makes me wish so much that someday, somebody will be sooooooooooooooooo crazy enough to fall for me...and love me...like there's no tomorrow.

I got this text message from nins: "Find a guy who calls u beautiful instead of hot, who calls u back when u hang up on him,who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.Wait for the guy who kisses ur forehead,who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, wait for the one who constantly reminds you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "she's the one.." Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!! talk about double awwwwwwwww with a capital A-W-W-W-W-W!!!! i could die if i found a guy who'll treat me that way...i really wanna be pampered coz i wanna pamper my guy also...

last nyt, while i was tryin to sleep...i made something up...this is the result of ultimate kabangagan... here goes: "Can you let me care for you without any strings attached?If you suddenly go away, my life won't be a mess...but i'm sure it'll be like watchin fire eat up my house...and all that's left is dust...soon ascending into nothingness...I'm not askin for you to care for me....Just staring at you makes me smile, makes my heart leap, drowns me in drunkeness...." ?!?!?!?! so weird noh? talk about dreamin and picking up lines and words from the stars.

2005-11-17T08:43:00.000+08:00

HANGIN'

if there's one thing ive learned so far from my stay here at medschool today, it is to SAVE UR FILE! fuckin bitch jolog computer! i was soooo done with my blog entry for today and my computer suddenly hanged! talk about letting it all out and swallowing your vomitus in!!!! grrrr!

anyway, i was just makin kwento of what happened to me last nite...i was such in a hyper-sinisipag-ako-magaral-mode coz i took so much coffee..the hype was sooo sudden...i just found myself enjoying at marvelling at the wonders of obstetrics! i wasnt even content with reading apmc, i even consulted wheater's for the histologic progression of the generative organ of pregnancy!!! talk about passion man!!!

and then i began wonderin...what happened to me for the past year? it seemed like i never discovered the wonders of anatomy, physiology, neuro-anatomy, psychiatry and biochemistry?!?!!?! what happened to me? when i was at pre-med, i used to dream about readin all of those stuff...but when i began medschool, parang all my passions suddenly disappeared!!! what the hell? and then i began to rationalize while sipping a mug of black coffee...and then je regrette,

maybe the reason is that ive always been a person who seeks for new ventures all the time....what's good about it is that i never compromised med sch coz of my other interests...bad thing was...i guess i lost control of my time management... now im beginning to wonder, what if i really indulged in the basics of medicine? would i become a better doctor??? i guess sooooo... but if i dropped all my interests, would i have become a better person? of course not..

I guess there's so much to say about the complexity of who i am. i guess my friends are right...i'm complicated. but i love bein complicated...because that's what makes me, ME. if i was some just monotonous studying geek....i guess i wouldn't be happy.

2005-11-16T08:00:00.000+08:00

There's a somebody I'm longing to see: I hope that he Turns out to be...Someone who'll watch over me.I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood...I know I could..Always be good..To one who'll watch over me....

Familiar? this famous song gives me the pseudo-nostalgic, wishful thinking mood. I don't know why i'm such a sucker for that feeling. Maybe, i want to fall in love all over again. I've forgotten the feeling of having kilig moments, non-stop pretentious denials of "not being in love" when deep inside i know i am. I miss the adventure of guessing if the person likes you, what to do next, waking up early in the morning and planning the day ahead with him...waiting for his phonecall...and pretending not to care if ever he does... all of a sudden, im confused...i have a boyfriend naman, how come i want to fall in love again? (and not necessarily with him?!)

Maybe this is a sign that my long-time-serious-used-to-be-fun relationship is kinda on the rocks right now..seems like we're not eager to see each other anymore, we don't surprise each other anymore and we rarely have kilig moments...i'm confused. i know i love him, but why do i get this feeling of wanting to be single again? but if i'm single naman, i know there will be so many moments that i'm gonna die of misery coz i'm not with him...ang labo. i really can't understand myself. All i know is that, the only thing that's stopping me from looking for somebody else is the fact that i know i'm gonna hurt him if ever he finds out. and i can't bear that. i don't want to ever see him sad, more so, me, being the cause of the despair.

pero still the dilemma is stuck in my head.....whenever i hear kilig love songs, or watch romatic movies, there's still this thought in my head na i'm gonna have moments like those with my prince charming. (not necessarily my bf) parang somebody better will come along...i guess i'm just a sucker for love. i guess i'm not satisfied with the way he's treating me...i can't blame him din naman coz its his clerkship...pero what if, he finishes off with clerkship, will he change kaya? i just hope he does, before i decide to let go of him...